There’s this shocking misconception that seems to be floating around regarding issues of self-image and gender. The misconception being that women are the only ones who suffer bouts of low self-esteem. Let’s clear this up right now: men are as down on themselves as the ladies. They deal with body image breakdowns, concerns about their performance in their careers, families and relationships…these worries know no gender, I assure you.
Perhaps it feels just a little satisfying for the girls to know we aren’t the only ones who worry about the amount of junk in our trunk, but don’t get too smug right away. Just as our negative self-image can impact how we feel and behave, the same goes for men…and the same goes for relationships. You might not realize it but your man’s self-deprecating blues might be having a huge effect on your partnership, as well as on you personally.
For your sanity, here are a couple of common man-esteem landmines to look out for:
Trigger: Sex
Fallout: Even a guy who was once uber confident in his abilities in the sack can be rendered downright bumbling in the midst of an insecurity fit. You know your fellow is still a steamy little sex biscuit but if he isn’t feeling that way, it could be easy for you interpret his lack of interest or enthusiasm as signs that you’re doing something wrong. Suddenly, you think he doesn’t desire you, so in addition to him not feeling desirable himself, he has the guilt of making you feel inadequate and the cycle feeds itself. Yeah. It’s a mess.
Solution: You might feel the instinct to go in, pom-poms blazing, and cheer your man up. But talking about his insecurities, however unfounded, especially in the sex realm, is a task to be taken up very carefully. Be an emotional detective. It’s possible this isn’t about sex at all. If the bedroom isn’t the sore spot, find out what is and talk about that. The boudoir problems will likely work themselves out after the real issue is dealt with. Meanwhile, don’t take it personally and keep acting as attracted to him as you are.
Trigger: Work
Fallout: It’s always a good idea to leave work worries at the office but, hell, we’re human and it doesn’t always (or ever) work out like that. If your favorite man-friend is stumbling on the career front, it easily translates to self-worth issues in other parts of life as well. This is always a hard problem for a significant other to deal with; the problem doesn’t directly involve you but hey, they’re your person. It’s naturally to be affected by his unhappiness.
Solution: If he’s stressed about, say, not getting a promotion at work, tactfully get him to talk about it and pump up his ego about that. Find out what’s really making your man feel less than amazing and point out all the ways he’s actually quite great. Don’t feed him empty compliments…you can smell those things a mile away and I don’t care how good your “I mean it” face is.
Also remind him of what we all are, for some reason, incapable of telling ourselves sometimes that what we do for a living, and how well it’s going at any given moment, doesn’t define who we are or what we’re worth. There are ups and downs that are out of our control.
This is a perfect opportunity to turn lemons into lemonade. Change his perspective by telling him that he could either take these bumps as a time to wallow and feel worthless (lame choice) or he could take it as a chance to prove to himself that he can handle a few professional wrong turns with grace, stability and optimism (the kick-ass, sexy man choice).
Trigger: Body issues
Fallout: Sigh. So it is with the ladies, so it remains true with the men: if you don’t think you look good, or if your physical state is keeping you from feeling good, then pretty much nothing is going to go without a dark little cloud over it. Sex, sleep, work, attitude…all are going to be super affected when the body is out of whack, either in reality or perception.
Solution: Luckily and surprisingly, this is the easiest fix, as far as I’m concerned. If you get your man talking about his bad feelings about his belly or his desire to be more muscular, this is exactly how to deal with it: First, don’t tell him he’s crazy or wrong. This is how he perceives things and you simply telling him he’s mistaken isn’t going to fix the problem. Don’t make jokes. It might seem like a good way to infuse some levity into the situation, but he’s likely feeling very vulnerable.
Do listen calmly and tell him you understand how he’s feeling. Following that up with an upbeat “hey, I’ve been feeling a little less than fab in the booty lately, too” and coming up with a buddy plan of diet and exercise can turn this downer into a relationship upper that could bring you closer together and get you both in stellar shape. And then, obviously, tell him how disarmingly sexy he is to you, even if he isn’t feeling all that hot. Sex at this point could help. I’m just sayin’.
