We've all got skeletons in our closets; things we've done or choices we've made that we're not proud of. Sometimes those skeletons can stay buried in the back of our minds, gathering dust and doing nobody any harm. But sometimes --like when you're beginning a new relationship on a free internet dating site-- you've got to take those skeletons out, dust them off, and expose them to the view and judgment of the people you love.
Depending on what your past secrets are, confessing them to a new partner can be a nerve-wracking experience. Especially if your secret is something that will impact you future lives or your relationship, worrying about your partner's reaction is perfectly normal. Even so, sometimes the truth has got to come out. But what is the right way to let your partner in on some of your darker secrets?
Gauge your secret. Before talking with your partner, you want to think about how your revelation might affect your relationship. An illegitimate child living in another part of the world is a dramatic revelation that may change the dynamic between you, while facts about events in your childhood will not. Some secrets are things which will simply help your partner to know you and understand you better. Others will have an ongoing effect on your relationship or your lives together. These will need to be revealed with especial care.
Evaluate your reasons for confessing. The truth is, some secrets just don't need to be confessed. If you want to tell your partner about something you did or something that happened in your life just because your want to air it out, you need to be aware that you're doing it for yourself, not for them. While it's okay to want to share painful bits of your past, some things --especially things that will hurt your partner for no reason-- are better kept to yourself.
If, however, the secret in question is something that your partner needs to know, moving forward is the right thing to do. Whether you had an emotional affair on an internet dating site during your last relationship or had an abusive parent, these are things that will affect your partner and the knowledge of them will help him or her to understand you better.
Choose the right moment. Sometimes secrets just pop out at inopportune moments. But if the secret you have to tell is a momentous one, it's important to choose a moment when your partner is at his or her most receptive. Wait until he or she is feeling relaxed and good about the relationship. Revealing your secret might ruin the mood, but at least it won't exacerbate an argument or any bad feelings between you.
Tell your partner why you're telling. Most people respect a person who volunteers information that they weren't required to give. So before you give up your secret, tell you partner that you're doing it because you respect them or you want to do what's right for your relationship. This will start them off with good feelings about you, and may make the revelation itself a bit less painful.
Explain how you've grown. If the secret you have to tell involves an event for which you were at fault --and for which your partner might judge you-- be sure to spend time explaining that it's impossible for you to make the same mistake today. Be specific about the ways in which you've changed, and why. If you reassure your partner that you won't repeat past mistakes --and give them good reason to believe you-- the chance that your secret will have a negative impact on your relationship are greatly reduced.
Opening up about the painful or embarrassing things in your past is hard. But if you do it for the right reasons and in the right way, confessing your secrets can make your relationship stronger. And remember, if your partner can't forgive you for something that happened before you even met, perhaps you're better off having told the truth. Because now you know the truth about your partner, as well-- that you're better off without them.
