There's almost no feeling in the world worse than the suspicion that your partner is sleeping with somebody else. You feel insecure. You feel betrayed. And most of all, you feel hurt. But there's no need to start torturing yourself with unpleasant thoughts before you've even got evidence that your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating.
Aside from catching your partner and their lover in the act (not an experience that I'd recommend, by the way) or hearing it from his or her own lips, there's no sure-fire way to tell when somebody is cheating. But if you have your suspicions, the following warning signs may give strength to them:
1. Their behavior towards you changes.
If your partner's affair is strictly sexual, the only real difference you might expect to see in their behavior is that they act a bit guilty. But if the affair is emotional rather than strictly physical, you should see some changes in their attitude towards you. Do they suddenly want to spend far less time with you, or they have far less patience with you in general? Are they snappish and mean instead of gentle and romantic? Sudden changes in their attitude may indicate a change in the way they see you-- something that happens often when somebody cheats.
2. Money can't be accounted for.
This one is especially true of men. From expensive dinners to gifts to hotel rooms, an affair can be pretty pricey. If you share money and find that it's suddenly scarce --and unaccounted for-- it may be time to wonder about the reason.
3. They're suddenly private about their phone and contacts.
Cell phones make it easy to cheat. If your once open partner is suddenly private about the phone, or begins to get strange calls or text messages from new names --names you don't recognize-- your partner may be hiding something.
4. They open up and use a new email account.
Especially if you have access to their main email, a cheating partner may open up a new free email account to email their consort or even to register for an internet dating site.
5. They spend a lot more time in chat rooms.
Internet dating sites and chat rooms are the perfect place to look for a "connection" (yep, that's a euphemism for sex). If your guy or girl is suddenly hanging out in chat rooms all the time, they may be looking to make that connection. Or having a strictly emotional affair-- which is also something to worry about, even if no sex is involved.
6. They seem to be "hanging out with friends" more often than usual.
Spending time apart and doing things on your own is an important part of a healthy relationship. So while you shouldn't worry when you partner spends time with his or her friends, you might start to wonder if they suddenly spend a lot more time with those friends for no discernable reason. Because maybe those friends have become an easy alibi.
What to do When the Signs Point to an Affair
1. Come out and ask.
You don't have evidence, but there are a lot of little signs that point to your partner having an affair (not least of which is your intuition). If you have real reason to believe it's going on, the best thing is to just ask about it. Sure, you can snoop and play games, but confessing your doubts is the quickest way to get things out on the table. When you pull the bandage off quickly, it may not hurt as much.
2. Explain your suspicions and feelings.
Even if your partner denies having cheated, be sure you explain your suspicions and why you feel like you do. The fact that you feel this way at all indicates a problem. Even if your partner isn't cheating, there are obviously issues in your relationship that you need to address.
3. Mention it to people they know.
He or she won't 'fess up? If you really need to know, it's time to look elsewhere. Does your partner have a very close friend who knows all about his or her life? Then go to them for a straight answer. There's a good chance they'll cover for their friend, of course. But there's also a good chance that they've been a confidante for far too long, and are tired of the lies.
4. Look for hard evidence.
An affair often leaves a paper trail. If you've asked about it straight out and still suspect an affair even though your partner's denied it, it's time to look for evidence. Things like credit card bills, restaurant receipts, and even car mileage can give them away.
5. Be the bait.
Discovered a secret email address or a profile on an internet dating site, and think your significant other may be having an emotional affair online (or is out there looking for a physical one)? If you need to be 100% sure before you take action, set yourself up as the bait. Put up a great-looking fake profile on that internet dating site and send him or her a message. What he or she has to say may tell you what you need to know.
6. Cut and run.
The three steps above --the gathering of evidence-- should only be used as a last resort, or if you're too afraid to deal with the situation head-on. The truth is, if you talk to your partner and still can't accept his or her denial of an affair, your relationship has big problems-- affair or no. The best thing is to talk it out; and if that fails, cut your losses and leave the relationship behind. After all, do you really want to stay with somebody you can't bring yourself to trust?
