We all know how it feels not be listened to. The listener's eyes wander, his or her hands fidget on the table, and there's no real connection to what we're saying. It's pretty darned frustrating.
Most of us are guilty of being bad listeners. And while you can't be "on" all the time, listening intently to and connecting with every conversation you have over the course of the day, it is still important to learn to be a good listener. Why? Because it shows that you respect the person speaking to you, that you're open to new ideas, and that you have the ability to focus on another person. Almost nowhere in life is it more important to show that you have these qualities than when you are on a date.
With a thousand conflicting ideas racing through your brain (am I wearing the right thing? do I have spinach stuck in my teeth?), it can be hard to focus on what your date is saying. But you have to learn. Start with these three simple (or not-so-simple, actually) skills;
Be Open
To become a good listener (on a date or elsewhere) you have to start by being open to new ideas. Does this mean you should convert to Buddhism because your date talks about being Buddhist? Of course not. But it does mean that you shouldn't rule out any topic of discussion. Think something your date is talking about will be uninteresting? Put your restlessness and disinterest aside, and just listen to what he or she is saying. There may be more of interest there than you expect.
Part of being open has to do with suspending judgment. If it's in your nature to not only pass judgment on what your date is saying, but also on who he or she is for saying it... try to resist. Instead, silence that inner critic and just listen. Know where your personal prejudices lie, and try to set them aside. Listen and accept what your date has to say, without deciding whether they are right or wrong, good or bad... or whatever.
Actually Listen
This seems like it should be obvious, right? But it's not. When you're out with somebody, you can know that it's important for you to listen. But knowing doesn't make it so. You actually have to listen, in more ways than one. Quiet your thoughts, tune out any distractions (things like falling plates, angry waiters, or kids dropping their ice cream cones on the sidewalk) and focus on the person speaking. Maintain eye contact, and pay attention to everything your date is trying to communicate, including his or her tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. People can say a lot while saying very little, so you want to "listen" to the whole package your date is presenting to you.
Keep Quiet
Learning not to mentally pass judgment on what a person is saying takes practice. So while you're learning to do this, practice just... being quiet. If you disagree with something your date has to say, there's no need to rebut it. Instead, work on sitting quietly and letting them speak. You may be dying to share your thoughts on his or her stupid idea (kidding!), but resist the urge... and above all, don't let yourself interrupt, no matter how much you may want to.
Learning to listen well is a hugely important communication skill. It will not only make the people you come in contact with look at you more positively, it will also make you see others more clearly, too. Because by truly listening to your date, you'll have a much better idea of who they are and what drives them... rather then letting judgments and distractions get in the way.
