Most of us are tempted at some point in our lives. No matter how committed you are to your partner and your relationship, there's a not-insignificant chance that you'll give in to that temptation at some point in your relationship. Of course, giving into temptation --even feeling something strongly for another person-- doesn't always mean that your feelings for your partner have changed. And much of the time, people who do end up cheating regret it for the rest of their lives; they would do anything to turn back the clock and do things differently. In other words, they would do anything to have their partner's trust back.
Whether you had a one night stand with a work colleague when away together on a business trip or met somebody on a free internet dating site and started a months-long affair, your partner's response to cheating should be pretty easy to predict: they're going to be mad. Really mad. And much of the time, they're going to decide that your transgression can't be forgiven... and that the relationship can't be saved.
But sometimes you do get a second chance. Your partner decides to stick around and work things out; they believe you when you say you regret your mistake, and they claim they will do whatever they can to move on. But moving on when somebody you love betrays your trust is no easy feat.
While there's nothing you can do to forgo the healing process after you've cheated on your partner, there are some things you can do to encourage your partner to trust you again. There are never any guarantees that things will be again as they used to be-- and the truth is, they probably won't. But following the tips below may just show your partner that you really have changed; and that they can trust you not to make the same mistake again.
Be patient. First, you've got to understand what your partner is going through. Put yourself in his or her shoes. How would you feel if he or she did the same thing to you? Then be patient with the healing process. Nothing is going to make your partner feel better about you right away-- it's going to take a long time for him or her to heal. Don't try to rush your relationship back into normalcy, because it just won't work.
Don't lie. Ever. Are you the type to tell your partner a little while lie about why you were late to the restaurant ("I got caught in traffic," when it was really "I got caught up in the last half-hour of a TV movie")? If so, it's time to stop. On some level --even if it's not a conscious one-- people know when they're being lied to. If you are always honest with your partner --about everything!-- he or she will learn to trust you in time. For every lie your partner catches you in, they will assume there are 20 more they didn't catch. So don't let them catch you. Make 100% honesty your new policy.
Live transparently. This one is just as much about your commitment to living "above board" as it is about showing your partner how you've changed. Have a special email address you set up to use on an internet dating profile? Delete the account, and the profile too. Normally keep your mobile phone in a place where your partner can't get to it? Leave it out in plain view-- and leave it accessible even when you leave the room.
Don't delete your messages right away or be private on the phone. Instead, open your life wide to your partner's scrutiny. It may feel strange, but it's necessary. Because when you have nothing to hide, you behave as if you have nothing to hide-- which is something that your partner will subconsciously (or consciously) pick up on. And it will tell him or her that you don't have any other betrayals up your sleeve.
Request they leave the guilt trip behind. The only way to move on after a betrayal of trust is to, well, move on. And that means your partner has to move on, too. Sure, they'll have mistrustful thoughts and think a lot about their hurt. And sometimes they'll want to talk to you about it, too, which is good. But if your partner has a tendency to say snide, hurtful things to make you feel guilty, you have to be firm about asking them to stop.
At this point, you probably don't feel like you have a right to request anything of your partner. But you have to request this. If you both are committed to making your relationship work, you need to insist that your partner stop poking at the wound. It's not healthy for either of you... and continuously prodding the injury will make the wound fester, slowly killing your relationship over time.
