That statement is definitely a heart stopper! As a parent, we try to do the best we can for our children. In the case of divorced parents, I think we try to overcompensate as a way to lessen the pain for them. We fool ourselves into thinking that we can protect them from it, but inevitably, we know that deep down we cannot.
Divorce in any relationship is painful and difficult. Divorce with children involved is even worse. We may feel at times that a divorce has distanced our relationship with our children. It is however, important to always do what is in the best interests of the children.
A good parent tries not to blame the other parent and keep an even playing field. Emotions run wild and the stakes are high so it is not always possible to keep a level head when dealing with issues concerning your child and your ex.
If a child of 15 years (no matter how emotionally immature he is), unexpectedly and abruptly announces that he wants to live with his Dad, the fact of the matter is he can and there is nothing you can do to stop him.
It would be foolish to try to stop your child from living with the other parent. The best we can do as a parent is put aside our emotional reaction to the situation and accept their decision. Stay levelheaded and even tempered, and see the good that can come out what is now a painful situation. Come up with a plan so that both parents and the child know exactly where they stand:
1. Support your children with their decision and treat them like adults. They have demanded that they be treated as young adults when they made such an important decision, so treat them accordingly.
2. Throw it in their court and have him or her come up with a plan as to when he or she wants to spend time with you. After such a hard break from you, your child may need some space to come to terms with their decision and may not be ready to come and visit you for a while.
3. Keep communication open with them. Let them know you are always available to them and establish a regular form of communication either by phone or email that is convenient for the both of you.
4. Tell them they are always welcome to come home if he or she ever changes their mind. For a child, they never want to loose a parent’s love and choosing one parent over another is a difficult choice for them, but they don’t want to loose the other parent’s love either. Let them know you still love them and would welcome them back anytime.
5. Assess within your own mind if there was something that you could have done differently in dealing with your relationship with your child (and there always is). Being a parent is not about perfection, it’s about making mistakes, learning and growing from them to make you an even better parent than you are today.
In the end, it should not be surprising to anyone that a child from a divorced family craves to bond and spend more time with one parent over another. In the case of boys especially, a young man craves the bond and connection that he can only get with a male – his father.
Better to have your child thank you years from now for being understanding than resenting you for not allowing them to have their way, turning to drugs or alcohol and generally disrupting the rest of the family as a form of rebellion. It’s just not worth it.
