It’s so difficult to describe what losing your husband feels like. The fact that my husband died unexpectedly and away from home, made it even more difficult to fathom. Yet, it happened only 3 short months ago, and everyday I cry and talk to him, and then I try to get on with my day. Some days are easier than others, some days are just worse.
People mean well, say things to help you cope but the reality is they are hoping to say the right things to help them cope. It’s an awkward time, people don’t want to experience such raw emotion and it can get embarrassing too. I will never forget doing the groceries for the first time after he died. My husband always did the groceries; he loved doing stuff like that so I never had to worry about it. So, the first time I went grocery shopping I was sobbing uncontrollably in the frozen food aisle. People just walked by pretending not to notice – and I was grateful for that.
It’s such a shock to realize that everyone else has gone on with their lives, but of course they all do, they must. I was left to figure out how I was going to cope without him and it’s the small stuff that comes to you in waves that’s the hardest to take sometimes. Like finding his cuff links or walking into our favorite restaurant realizing that he’ll never be there again with me. Suddenly seeing his smile and how he made me laugh so much. So many reminders each and every day.
It’s not just the fear that overcomes you trying to figure out how you are going to cope without him financially, but it’s the nights that are the hardest and longest. I find myself keeping extremely busy throughout the day so that I am exhausted by the time I go to bed.
You learn hard lessons very quickly – which is ultimately that he is gone and that he will never be back again. But here are the essential ones that have helped me to cope and continue to help me everyday.
• Get up and ‘do something’ productive every day. Get the laundry done, do the groceries, tend the garden, rearrange your furniture – anything!
• Take care of yourself and don’t let yourself go. Do your hair, put on makeup, get dressed and care about what you look like. Exercise, eat well and drink lots of water.
• Talk to a grief counselor or someone who knows what it’s like to lose a loved one. I have a friend who lost her husband only 1 ½ months before mine died. We don’t live in the same area but we talk often and it helps to heal the wounds.
• Throw yourself into your work. If anything, it helps to keep your mind off things for a while. For me, it has been a welcome reprieve every morning to see what is happening and new and what needs to be done next.
• Keep a special area just for him. My house was beginning to look like a shrine, so I moved all my favorite pictures of him to one special area in the house and put away the rest.
• I needed to make my home my own, so I cleared out all the clutter and things I didn’t want/need and gave away to Goodwill. It helped me to feel lighter whenever I walked into my house.
In the end, each morning when I awake, I remember all the memories I have with him and realize each morning how blessed I am to have had such an incredible man in my life……and I cry a little less every day.
It sounds very simplistic but it’s helped me tremendously. I’m not the type of person that needs a shoulder to cry on (although I have had plenty of support from friends and family when I needed to) but I do need time to myself to allow myself the space to cry and think about him and how wonderful he truly was.
By allowing myself to grieve him, I have found the will to live again without him.
Tink_69
40 / Female
Comments: 1
Posted on September 8, 2008, 1:45 pm
I lost my husband in a mining tragedy in April 2007.Everyday for over 6months I went to the cemetary...sometimes 2 or more times a day.It was just something I felt I had to do.I recently saw one of his co-workers&his wife...she seen that I still wear my rings&I wear his on a necklace,so she says says he's still in your heart.For me...he'll be in my heart forever no matter what.If you'd ever like to chat let me know.Take care
