An on-again, off-again relationship is a lot like playing with a yo-yo. Every time you feel like you're ready to put it away, you give it one last go, just to watch it rise and fall again. Somehow, it's a little addictive.
On-again, off-again relationships can be addictive, too. One day, you're promising eternal love and devotion to one another. The next, you're in a screaming fight and, surprise-surprise... you're breaking up. As with any game, there comes a time when you've played a little too much. You're not learning anything new, and it's time to move on.
If most on-again, off-again relationships are bad for us, why do we keep them going? Because these types of relationships give you an emotional rush that can be a lot of fun. The feelings that you experience when you're in this kind of relationship can be very intense; almost like a drug. Whenever you break up, the pain is deliciously acute. Whenever you get back together, the joy is fresh, the passion is intense, and the sex feels brand new. No wonder people get addicted, right?
I think all of us have found ourselves in one or two of these relationships during our traditional dating (or even Internet dating) careers. And the hardest part about them isn't the fighting and the making up; it's knowing when to give up and move on to something new and healthier.
Some on-again, off-again relationships are worth keeping around; fighting and conflict are just part of the process, and the relationship will work itself out over time. But most are not, and they do a lot more harm than good.
Knowing when you should give it up
While it's easy to let yourself give in to the pleasure of all of those highs and lows, this sort of relationship can only harm you in the long run. Why? Because you're not giving any thought to the future; just the immediate here and now.
If you find yourself in an on-again, off-again relationship, you need to take a step (or, if Internet dating, a few clicks) back and look at your reasons for sticking around. Do you really enjoy the drama and passion of breaking up and making up? Do you find yourself getting bored or "checking out" when your relationships are calm?
If so, you need to give up on your up and down relationship, and you need to do it quickly. You're feeding an unhealthy attitude that will, if you don't learn differently, poison your future relationships. You're depending on outside circumstances to give your relationship immediacy and meaning, instead of cultivating it together in a healthy way. It can be a hard habit to break.
In all honesty, very few on-again, off-again relationships work out in the long run. In these sorts of relationships, a dynamic develops which forces the relationship to feed off of the energy created by breaking up and making up, and that dynamic can be very difficult to break. Most of these relationships are unsteady for a reason: maybe you and your partner simply aren't compatible, or you don't trust each other, or something else.
So, yes... the best strategy with most on-again, off-again relationships is to end them. Sometimes you may find one worth keeping; you simply have to know how to recognize it. Take some time to truly evaluate how you feel during the rare calm moments you have together. Decide what it is about this person that makes you want to stay with them, and what positive things they offer you. If your relationship has little to redeem it besides passion and fun, it's time to put the yo-yo down and pick up a more meaningful toy.
