Sometimes you can tell when a date goes terribly wrong. If he gets offended by your off-color joke or doesn't want to say two words to you over dinner, you probably don't expect a call back. But sometimes that first date goes right... and so does the second... but still, he up and disappears. He doesn't call you. He's lost interest. He's disappeared.
Whether it happens with a man you meet on a free internet dating site or with, say, one of your co-workers, this can be a frustrating --and mystifying-- experience. And while knowing the big three things you'll find below isn't going to change the fact that your most recent guy suddenly lost interest in seeing you, it may help to answer that long-simmering question: where did he go, and why?
The "disappearing man holy trinity" below may also help you prevent the same thing from happening next time.
Number One: He's just not that into you.
It started off as an episode of "Sex and the City " and later turned into a movie. But there's a lot of truth to it-- this simple phrase often goes a long way towards explaining why a guy seems to "suddenly" lose interest. He's gone out with you a couple of times. He's given you a chance. And he's made the decision that you're not what he's looking for.
Sometimes this is all about physical attraction. Other times, it's about conflicting personalities. No matter the reason, you should probably want to thank your date when this happens. Instead of stringing you along, he's made his choice and moved on-- and now you can, too.
It just happens... sometimes two people don't mutually hit it off. And there's not much you can do to prevent it. But it does help to highlight the importance of creating a good internet dating profile with rich details and accurate photographs. The more prepared he is for who you are and what you look like beforehand, the better the chance that he'll, well... be into you.
Number Two: You're not fun.
Sure, you're serious about finding a long-term relationship. But you go on internet dating sites and meet new men because it's fun, right? Well, men do the same thing. When they go on a date, they want to have fun with a woman. And sometimes, if you let too many of your worries and insecurities show on a date, you'll send him running off in the other direction (especially when those insecurities make you seem harsh and judgmental). Women who are fun to be with are relaxed women. They know how to roll with the punches when their dinner comes out cold, or take a risqué joke with good grace.
Think about it this way: men know that relationships start out all sex-time and fun-time... and that some of that fades as the years pass. If you start out tense and uptight, what does that tell him about how you'll be in a few months' or a few years' time? It means a lot to a man that a woman be attractive. But it means just as much that she's relaxed and fun. A date shouldn't feel like work.
So take a deep breath, relax that stick-straight spine, and remember that you're out to have a good time.
Number Three: You don't spark his interest mentally.
Unless if you've got enough cleavage hanging out of your top to smother a man in his sleep, being boring enough to make him fall asleep is guaranteed to lose his interest. While it's true that not everybody has compatible interests, if you don't challenge or intrigue him mentally, his liking for you won't last long. And will almost never last past the bedroom.
Past picking up a newspaper and reading a few more books, there's not much you can do to change your interests or develop new opinions. But even if your interests and opinions are completely different from his, there are ways to engage him mentally. All it requires is that you take a chance. How many times on a date do you bite your tongue against saying something that seems incendiary or inappropriate? If you're date's looking bored, than maybe you should just let fly. Sure, there's a risk of alienating him... but if he's nodding off across the table, it's a risk you ought to take.
Sure, there are lots of things you can do to turn a guy off on a date-- and keep him from calling you for another one. Talking about your ex-boyfriends is a good one, as is bringing along pictures of your seven cats. But the three things above are probably the most common reason why he decides to look elsewhere for romance. And luckily, if you work at it all three are preventable... at least to a point. Just leave your photos of Fluffy at home and you'll be fine.
Roses4mysoul
70 / Female
Comments: 21
Posted on May 6, 2009, 3:26 pm
OK, now how about an article about the "Disappearing Woman"?
Posted on May 6, 2009, 8:21 pm
Hi Roses4mysoul, I'll ask Karenlyn to put it on her to do list, though I suspect she already has!
Mickthetaxi
55 / Male
Comments: 2
Posted on June 16, 2009, 5:09 am
The biggest crime is not admitting that you are not attracted to the Other person, and staying in an unhappy relationship that is doomed to failuire Better to admit it earlier and move on before you cause a lot more pain. Chill out Rosie! Don't take it personally. We know it works both ways!
CorsetLover
27 / Female
Comments: 2
Posted on June 18, 2009, 6:42 am
I'd say take this article with a grain of salt...I lost a fiance to the "Disappearing Man" act, but as far as I can tell...it was for none of these reasons. Especially when you take into account that he up and married my carbon copy.
