Almost everybody has experienced jealousy at some point in their lives. And most of the time, that's okay. Jealousy is something that's been written into our DNA that we can't erase; it's as much a part of our free internet dating relationships as chemistry or sex. But there are different kinds of jealousy out there, and while much of it isn't something to worry about, sometimes jealousy can become a problem if it's allowed to grow out of control.
Jealousy only really becomes a problem when it surpasses the sweet, harmless jealousy of being bothered when your man looks at another girl, or even the frequent but relatively healthy jealousy of a man who worries when his girlfriend goes out with her friends in a low-cut top. It's when jealousy becomes angry, aggressive, or even obsessive that it can quickly ruin a relationship.
In most cases, you can't banish jealousy from your relationships completely. But you can take jealously down to healthy levels and keep it from interfering with your relationship. Here's how.
Find its source. We all have our own reasons to be jealous. I once had a boyfriend who got upset whenever I wanted to go out separately from him-- even if I wouldn't be spending time with any men. This created a problem until I asked him where that jealousy came from, and he took the time to look inside himself. It turned out that, in his childhood, every friend that he considered close to him seemed to eventually move on and find somebody they liked better. When he realized how silly this was, it put his jealousy into perspective. Though he still felt occasionally jealous and insecure, knowing where that insecurity came from helped to put a damper on the sensation.
Everybody has their insecurities and fears; in some people those insecurities manifest as jealousy or even controlling behavior. If you see this behavior in yourself, you need to take the time to figure out what, exactly, it is that you're afraid of. Then look at the worst case scenario, and think about how that scenario would affect your life. Knowing that you would be okay even if the worst came to pass (that is, even if your partner cheated or left you), and acknowledging that you can't control it are the first real steps in overcoming your jealousy.
Learn from your past. If you have issues with jealousy now, chances are that you had those same issues in previous relationships. Did you ruin a relationship with a great person you met on an internet dating site because you feared they were being unfaithful? Take the lessons you learned in that relationship into your next one. Getting jealous before did nothing to help you or your partner; the situation is the same this time around.
Focus on the facts. In any situation where jealousy arises, you'll have the facts on one hand, and your fears or perceptions on the other. Do your best to separate what you know from what you fear. You may see that your girlfriend is going to a bar in what you consider a revealing outfit. But it's your imagination that's causing the problem, not her clothing choices. Take what you imagine might happen and set it aside; it hasn't happened, and you have no right to punish your partner for your own runaway imagination.
Love yourself. Sounds corny, right? Well, it's an important part of having a healthy relationship. You're a terrific person, and there's no reason for your partner to be as easily tempted into another person's arms as you imagine. Make sure you know that, and when jealousy starts to take over, remind yourself of your own worth as a partner. Knowing where your insecurities come from make this step easier.
Everybody gets jealous from time to time. But jealousy is a monster that feeds on itself; if you allow it to take over your mind, it can also take over your relationship. Trust is important, and you deserve faithfulness from your partner. But trying to control what your partner does and how he or she behaves is not the best way to get this. You have to let your partner be free in order to have the full and happy relationship you both deserve.
So take a deep breath, kiss your partner goodbye for the night, and trust that they'll come home.
