Letting yourself become sexually or romantically involved with someone who is already rocking a spouse on his list of accomplishments comes with a whole mess of complications. Seems to me that love affairs (not to mention internet dating) are inherently ridden with enough messiness without engaging someone who is already committed to someone else.
I’m not even going to go on and on about it being wrong and devious and all that. Hell, it’s just too much trouble. Men are bothersome enough. But this isn’t about what I think. I know there are plenty of you femmes fatale out there who do go there. If that’s you, here are a few ground rules for the game. Good luck!
Don’t…
…get pregnant. Don’t even think about getting pregnant. When our hearts are on the line, we all have a tendency to act in ways that would make no sense to our sober minds (yes, I equate love/lust to drunkenness. Makes sense to me).
But remember, if a man is cheating on his wife with you, chances are he’s already maxed out on the stress-o-meter. Putting the idea of a baby friend into that equation isn’t going to make him suddenly bedazzled enough to upturn his life for you and your beautiful, budding new family. No. He has a family already.
This is a move that will, in most cases, send him running. You never know, true, he might step up and be all into it. But that’s not a risk you should take when there’s another, completely innocent, life at stake. Plus, if the man is that ready and willing to give up on one family, what makes you think he won’t do the same to you?
Do…
…keep your options open. Realize that the relationship you are expressly, publicly committed to is the one you place the most importance on. Period. Yeah, yeah, I’m sure he has a pile of good excuses as to why he’s still with his wife even though you are “the love of his life”, but the truth is, if he really wanted to be with you, he would be.
If you can’t accept that, or he isn’t just simply honest with you about this being an extramarital fling, you should turn back now. If you do stay involved, make sure that you aren’t making this relationship your top priority either. If he has a main woman and you are his little side dish, make sure to keep things emotionally even; he’s your side dish and always leave yours emotions and schedule open to someone who is the total package.
Don’t…
…stay in it longer than it’s fun. If you’re okay with sneaking around with another woman’s man, or you’re just a free lovin’ kinda gal who thinks he should be free to sleep with you (although the lying is never good), then you should focus on what this kind of arrangement is supposed to be. It should be sexy, fun, even a little dangerous.
Let’s face it: some people get off on the secrecy and the illicit nature of these affairs. If that’s your thing, don’t stay involved past the playtime expiration date. Once it starts being more trouble, it’s probably time to reevaluate what you’re getting out of this person’s presence in your life.
The very minute you start getting all lovey-faced about this guy, and those stupid girl emotions start making visions of lazy mornings and family reunions dance in your head, you put the ultimatum to him: stay with his wife and you’re gone or leave her and make things legit with you.
Hey, maybe you really are the fairy tale and he really is the guy for you and the situation was just wrong. But it’s not likely. So as soon as the fun isn’t the main thing and your emotions enter the game, it’s in or out. If he’s not in, you get out.
Don’t…
…kid yourself. This is a relationship built on lying. That is often part of the appeal, but if you feel guilty, maybe that’s not a misplaced emotion. I’m not judging. I’m really not. As always, you have to decide what is okay for you.
But this is risky business, my friends. People’s feelings are in serious danger of getting hurt, and some of those people are willfully entering into this deal. You have to be real with yourself about that; don’t pretend the wife doesn’t exist. And don’t hate her, even if he does.
There are two sides to every story. Making her the villain certainly makes it easier to do her wrong (which you are, almost as much as he is) but in truth, if you don’t know her then you don’t really know.
