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For all of us, our values come from different places. Some of us are taught deep, long-lasting values by our parents. Others learn their deepest and most important values in their place of worship. Still others find their values along the way, looking at the lives and values of great people and using them to create a clear view of how life should be. How to live your life, what is right or wrong, what is evil or good... all of us have opinions on these subjects that are deep and unshakeable.

Unfortunately, our values are often incompatible with those of the person we're dating. Finding the balance between standing up for your values and maintaining a happy and healthy relationship can be difficult. It's hard to know when to be flexible, and when to stand firm. For a relationship to be successful in the long term, it's extremely important to strike a balance between your values and your partner's.

Figure out What's Important

We all hold deep values that look to us like absolute truths; unshakeable opinions about how the world should be. We also have smaller, "less important", values that are more flexible and open to change. An important part of incorporating your values into your romantic relationship is figuring out what the "deal breakers" are. From sex before marriage, to smoking, to abortion, to racism, to a belief in God, we all have values that we see as utterly mandatory. Take the time to figure out which of your values must be shared by your partner, and those on which you're willing to give him or her a little "wiggle room."

Communicate

Next, you need to talk things out. Listen with a critical ear to what your boyfriend or girlfriend says, and figure out where those opinions and ideas fit into your values. Do you hear red flags in his or her conversation, such as "casual" racist jokes or opinions about religion, that don't mesh with your own? Don't let these comments sail by without a word. Talk to your partner about his or her opinions, and try to be objective about the answers. The point isn't to have an argument, but to make a clear judgment about how well your values fit together.

Don't hear any red flags in conversation? Sit down with your boyfriend or girlfriend and tell him or her where you stand on the issues which are most important to you. Allow your partner to give his or her own opinions, and listen with an open mind. Remember, just because his or her ideas differ from your own doesn't mean things won't work out (unless the issues in question are hugely important to you). It simply means you will have to walk with caution.

Learn to Compromise

When you talk things out with the person you're dating, you're bound to find some areas in which you differ. Sometimes these might be "deal breaker" issues, making you feel obligated to end the relationship, while many differences in opinion or values can be dealt with through compromise. If your partner looks at a particular aspect of life differently from you, it's important to try to understand his or her point of view, and compromise if you can. If, for instance, you care deeply about helping the poor and your partner believes that the poor should help themselves, don't make the issue a deal breaker if it isn't one. Stand by your values and help the poor when you can... but don't expect your partner to do the same.

Some people sacrifice their lives and their happiness for their values. While dedication to one's values is admirable, it doesn't always lead to a life of contentment. Whereas it's important to stick to the most important of your values (or come to regret it later), be sure that the ideas you're standing up for are truly important to you.

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