Whether it's somebody you met on a free internet dating site and started up a relationship with, or your mother, or that work colleague you avoid, we're all faced with "emotional vampires" in our lives. Emotional vampires are people who emotionally drain the people around them-- almost sucking the fun out of the room. And the energy out of your body. Dealing with them can be literally exhausting.
Spotting Emotional Vampires
When you're dealing with stress in your life, you probably have a bit of emotional vampire in you somewhere. Sharing with each other some of our emotional energy is part of supporting the people you love. But that "giving" should be an equal exchange. When one person takes without giving back, they're straying into vampire-hood. Read on for the major warning signs that somebody around you (or, hey, maybe even you) may be an emotional vampire.
They're self-obsessed. A good conversation is all about an even exchange. You share, they share, and everybody participates. But emotional vampires come back again and again to their own issues, never really taking the time to listen to the thoughts and concerns of others. Every subject that comes up bears somehow on their own life, and becomes about them rather than about the subject you initially intended to discuss.
They're negative. When they do talk about themselves and others, emotional vampires also tend to be negative. Think about it this way. When talking to somebody who says only positive things, you can almost feel a positive energy filling the room. With emotional vampires it's just the opposite-- their negativity sucks it right on out. No matter how hard you try to be positive, it feels like you're running up against a brick wall.
They gossip or bad-mouth people. This, of course, comes out of all that negativity. When they do talk about other people, emotional vampires tend to dwell on the negative. They criticize and judge. They gossip. They basically look for a reason to feel better about themselves by complaining about others.
They refuse to get help (or acknowledge they need it). Despite how it may appear, most emotional vampires don't behave they way they do on purpose. They have their reasons for letting negativity make them feel good. Because it's unintentional, emotional vampires don't often realize they have a problem. And so they refuse to ask for help... especially since the people around them tend to avoid talking about the situation outright.
What to Do
Only the person in question can change his or her attitude and behavior. And whether they make that change or not will have a lot to do with your choice to stick around... or to call it a day. Want to give your relationship or friendship with this person a chance? Read on for ways to help your emotional vampire learn to adopt different behaviors.
Let them know how you feel. You dread a conversation with an emotional vampire; you know that you have hours of negativity and frustration ahead of you. And so most people try to avoid emotional vampires rather than explain their feelings straight-on. If you're dealing with a person like this, let them know how you feel about talking to them-- even use the word dread if you have to. Sometimes just knowing how they're making people feel can be a wake up call for emotional vampires.
Don't offer your shoulder to cry on. As a friend or a lover or a family member, you probably consider it your job to be a supportive listener. But that only goes so far. When you're dealing with somebody who just takes, takes, and takes, you've got to draw the line somewhere. Eventually, you have to cut them short; you can't make yourself a permanent depository for their negativity. And cutting off that contact may be the motivation they need to change their behavior.
Encourage ways to improve. Nobody wants to be an emotional vampire; they don't want to be avoided and disliked by their family and friends. So if you're in a position to help them improve, it's a good idea to try. Suggest a good therapist if you know one, or just try to show them better ways of looking at the world. If you point out energy-draining behavior when you see it, you may just be a big help. Shining a light on exactly what they're doing wrong is often the first step in fixing the problem.
