It happens to all of us at some point: somebody rejects us, or says something we don't want to hear, or disagrees with what we have to say. And our ego gets involved. We get defensive or hurt or angry. No matter how modest you may be, the truth is that nobody's immune to a little bit of ego-reaction now and again.
But there's a difference between feeling bad when somebody doesn't reply to your email on an internet dating site and getting upset whenever somebody in your life doesn't tip-toe around your feelings. While the former is a perfectly natural reaction to interacting with people, the latter is evidence of a big problem. One that will have a tendency to get in the way of your having a successful relationship.
We all have an ego. But most people are able to set that ego aside often enough to make our relationships work. Worried that your ego might be part of the reason why your relationships have failed? Read on for some important warning signs that your ego is on overdrive.
You're overly defensive.
I'll put it simply: if everything your partner says to you feels like a slight or an attack, you've got bigger problems than a not-so-nice comment from the person you're dating. A person who has a healthy view of themselves does not feel the need to be on the defensive all the time. Instead, he or she understands that everything a person says or does is not necessarily about them-- and isn't necessarily an insult.
When you constantly defend yourself from your partner (especially when they didn't intend to attack), your ability to communicate with him or her takes a huge hit. Why? Because you've stopped listening to what he or she is saying, and are only listening to your ego's cries of hurt and insult. Shut it down for awhile and really listen. Listen to what your partner has to say. And then discuss it. That is, after all, what your partner deserves from you.
It's difficult for you to have meaningful conversations.
Relationships are a lot of work, and there will always be difficult subjects you'll need to discuss with your partner-- or that he or she will need to discuss with you. After all, nobody's perfect. No matter how much your partner may love you, there will always be things that he or she will wish you did differently. But if you can't sit down and listen to your partner's thoughts and concerns without getting your ego bruised, how can you expect your relationship to succeed in the long run?
When every conversation you have with somebody is wrapped up in your ego, you can't make any meaningful progress in your relationship. If you let your ego prevent you from really listening to your partner, how can you make him or her happy?
Your ego makes you mean.
Everybody has let out a mean comment or a low blow in the heat of an argument. You get angry, you're hurt, and you want to hurt that person back. But if you find that you do this often during difficult conversations with your partner, it's a sign that you're talking more with your ego than with your partner.
These are the sorts of comments that you will almost always regret the next day. And that you can never take back. If you find yourself always wanting to beat your head against the wall the day after a big argument, it probably means you've let your ego have free reign. Again.
You take more than you give.
Of course, it's perfectly natural to feel disappointed when you don't get what you want or things don't go your way. You had an idea of how you wanted something to be, and it didn't happen. But if you let your feelings of disappointment get in the way of moving on with your life, it may mean you have feelings of entitlement that you don't really deserve. When this happens, it's usually your ego speaking up loud and clear.
When things don't go your way, you have to ask yourself: why do I feel like I deserved to get what I wanted more than my partner deserved to get what he or she wanted? If you don't have a really good reason (and "because I wanted it more" isn't a really good reason), then it's probably time to let it go. Wanting something doesn't necessarily entitle you to get it.
