We all know that being assertive in our day to day lives is the best way to communicate with others. And most of us know that behaving in a controlling or aggressive way is unhealthy and unproductive. So why is it that so many people have a difficult time telling the difference between the two?
It can often happen that somebody who believes he or she is simply being assertive is actually displaying controlling or aggressive behavior. But while negative behavior stems from fear, insecurity, and self-consciousness, assertive behavior is the result of confidence and well-thought-out goals or wishes. Being assertive helps you to communicate your needs, wants, or thoughts effectively and clearly without intentionally harming others. Being assertive makes your stance and your wishes clear and encourages healthy communication. Being aggressive or controlling, however, works in exactly the opposite way.
Recognizing Controlling Behavior
Whether looking for it in yourself or in the cute guy you met on an internet dating website, there are many ways to recognize controlling or aggressive behavior. When compared to the goal of simple clarity that you will find in an assertive personality, the contrast becomes quite clear. What follows are four examples of how aggressive, controlling, and assertive personalities communicate in any given situation.
Listening:
Aggressive: Doesn't listen to what others have to say and tends to interrupt with their own thoughts or ideas.
Controlling: Speaks to manipulate or control the actions of others.
Assertive: Openly expresses their thoughts and ideas without self-consciousness or pretense.
Body Language:
Aggressive: Tries to intimidate with aggressive or stiff body language, or by invading another's personal space.
Controlling: May try to physically control or manipulate with their actions or body language.
Assertive: Is unafraid but open with plenty of eye contact and a relaxed and/or eager posture.
Goals:
Aggressive: To communicate only his or her wishes or speak only of his or her feelings; doesn't generally consider the feelings of others.
Controlling: Either obviously or subtlely, will speak in order to manipulate a person to act as he or she desires.
Assertive: To clearly and honestly communicate his or her wishes while also considering others.
Intention to Harm:
Aggressive: An aggressive personality may hurt others to avoid personal harm or to get his or her wishes.
Controlling: A controlling personality attempts to control another's actions in order to prevent any harm being inflicted on his or herself.
Assertive: Intends to hurt nobody in the process of expressing his or her wishes.
Being Assertive, Not Controlling
If you recognize some aggressive or controlling behavior in your own life, there are ways to work through it. While it takes time, assertive behavior can be learned. Want to be assertive without controlling? If you use them every time you have something significant to communicate, the following four tips can help you get there over time.
Determine what you want.
Take the time to think about what your goals are from the communication. What do you want to happen? Is it a reasonable desire or request? If you find that your goals are dominating or controlling in nature, you may want to rethink what you're looking to get from the conversation.
Practice.
Get a pen and write down just what it is you want to say. If you have an assertive outline of thoughts that won't lead you to control or intimidate a person, it'll be much easier to communicate clearly and effectively.
Relax.
Aggressive or controlling behavior can come from fear, frustration, and a whole host of other things. Before an important conversation, take the time to relax. Do some exercise, get out your frustration, and reassure yourself of your physical and emotional safety before you get started.
Feel your body.
If you practice the facial expressions and body language of an assertive person, it makes speaking assertively that much easier. Sit or stand with an open, relaxed posture and make good eye contact.
If you're assertive, people who are themselves insecure or self-conscious may confuse your assertiveness with aggression. Don't let it bother you. If you can sincerely say that your words and actions are simply based in your desire to communicate your wishes clearly without doing harm, you have nothing to worry about. If, however, you speak or act in order to intimidate others or control their actions, you have some self-analysis to do. Because controlling behavior is never healthy and never creates a positive dynamic in your relationships; all it can do is harm yourself and others.
Roses4mysoul
68 / Female
Comments: 21
Posted on February 17, 2009, 1:48 pm
Thanks for your article, Chloe. Could you be more specific about Assertive behaviors? What language would one use? How would one indicate no-harm/no-control when stating an opinion? Maybe you could write a conversation in "controlling" and rephrase it to be "assertive"? I think we all understand "aggressive". But the difference between "controlling" and "assertive" seems to be much more subtle.
