We all risk rejection in our lives. Like when we invite a friend to the movies or apply for a job or ask our parents for a loan. Rejection is a part of life and most of us have become used to the idea. For some reason, being rejected romantically, even when you don't know the person doing the rejecting, can be more painful than any of the ways you're used to being rejected. You put so much emotion into a date (or into the bare-bones idea of a date, even before you ask somebody out) that rejection really leaves you raw.
This applies particularly to men. Though the dynamic between men and women has changed over last few decades, it doesn't change the fact that men are the ones who risk rejection the most. They're generally the ones who ask for the first date. Or risk the first kiss. Or make the first move towards a "more physical" relationship, whether it is with a sneaky, roaming hand or a direct question. It's always possible for the answer to be "heck no."
It doesn't matter whether you're male or female, being rejected romantically can anyone a little gun shy. So how do you prevent it?
Get Some Perspective
Start by putting things into perspective. If you have any self esteem issues (and most of us do, right?), you tend to take romantic rejection very personally. You blame yourself for whatever is lacking in you that has caused you to be rejected. You internalize it.
Let’s say that a woman rejects you because she doesn't like your sense of humor or your political opinions. Or that a guy rejects you for the same thing. It's very easy to make the rejection about you rather than about the person doing the rejecting, and to allow being rejected make you feel bad about yourself. Making another person's less-than-flattering opinion a part of who you think you are is almost instinctual.
However, it's important not to let yourself look at rejection that way. When somebody rejects you, they're rejecting something that they don't see reflected in themselves; an attraction, a common interest, a shared sense of humor. Try to look at rejection from the outside instead of taking it in and letting it affect how you see yourself. If you do, your fear and defensiveness will only make it more likely for you to be rejected next time.
Learn the Lesson
Though it's true that rejection is often more about the "reject-er" than the "reject-ee", if you find yourself being rejected more than seems normal, you might have a lesson or two to learn. If you're often rejected when asking somebody out for the first time, the problem might lie in your approach.
So test your approach out on people you know. Guys, talk to some of your female friends and ask if you can test your usual approach out on them. Ask for honest feedback on what works and what doesn't, and be sure to have them tell you why. Also watch for defensiveness or fear to creep into the way you interact with somebody new. If you're nervous and feeling attracted to somebody, you may create a different impression than you think. Ask a female friend to secretly watch what you do, and let you know if you're saying more than you think you are.
And then... just get back on the horse. Let’s face it, if you want to find the right man or woman for you, you're going to have to risk rejection. Maybe even a lot of it. So it's important not to let rejection scare you, and to get in there and start trying. And while that, of course, is a lot easier said than done, if you make an effort not to internalize rejection and learn from your mistakes, the whole process can be a lot less painful than you think. Good luck!
