I was thinking about Ross and Rachel the other day (oh yeah, Friends. I’m going there. 10 years later. Deal with it) and that time they were “on a break” and Ross slept with another woman. Long (way too long) story short, the back-and-forth over whether or not this was acceptable behavior lasted, well, pretty much forever, even after they got back together.
I can’t say why I was cursed with the misfortune of being mentally preoccupied with antiquated Must-See-TV but it did start me thinking about their respective perspectives: Ross was Mr. By-The-Book. You’re either together or you’re not. If you are, no hanky panky with the copy girl. If you’re not technically together, even for a second, anything is fair game. Rachel, on the other hand, judged things from a personalized context, in which it didn’t make sense for Ross to immediately hop into bed with someone else when they hadn’t even really put their own relationship to bed.
My sad-but-true thought process continued from there and, thankfully, evolved past fake people…and into the real world. More and more, people are choosing to make up their own rules for their ventures in couplehood, rather than relying on the ones we’ve had laid out for us by generations past. Sometimes that means going so far as to have a completely open relationship, where the only rules are honesty and safety. Sometimes, all it means is keeping traditional labels far away from their love affair, opting instead to let their lives dictate the nature of their relationship…not the other way around.
Pro: No Assumptions
It’s simple, really: if you don’t put a pre-packaged label on your relationship, you don’t get to fall back on the preconceived ideas of what that relationship “should” look like or feel like. For example, in my relationship, we might call each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” to outside parties when the other isn’t around but in each other’s presence, it’s rare for us to employ those words.
Instead, we might opt for “manfriend” and “ladyfriend” or a whole slew of made-up pet names (I won’t gross you out with those). We’re never actually verbalized why we do this but the unspoken reasoning behind it is that the more traditional identifying words inevitably bring up memories of past lovers…and all the baggage that comes with that.
In truth, neither of us has ever been in a relationship like the one we’re in, nor one that has followed the same timeline and patterns of involvement. It’s a whole new thing and we want to keep it a wholly separate thing from whatever has come before. It keeps us from making assumptions and how we are supposed to conduct ourselves. It keeps us honest with each other.
Con: Uh…No Assumptions
The same relation-foundation of undefined uniqueness that acts as a benefit to your relationship can also be a confusing, muddled mess…and could ultimately lead to the demise of your dear duo. It might be refreshing and liberating to work out what is right for you two as individuals and in your life together, without playing into the traditional ideas of what a couple is supposed to be all about, but it can also be daunting and disorienting.
What many people find is that they need that concrete comfort of a conformed label on their relationship to feel secure, safe and legitimate in the eyes of others. We could psychoanalyze that all day long, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is that some people need it, even if they didn’t think they did until they didn’t have it. And I’m always a big proponent of “do what makes you happy, as long as it’s not peeing in anyone else’s Cheerios”.
Meaning, if being a “traditional” or traditionally defined couple makes you and your partner feel content, then alright! Go for it! People decide to keep proper defining words and rules away from their relationships in an attempt to work out a situation that is uniquely fitting to them…if what fits you is the textbook boyfriend/girlfriend (or boy/boy, girl/girl…you get it) thing then by all means, embrace it.
