After any serious altercation in a relationship, there’s obligatory talking. Oh, my dear Eartha Kitt, there’s always so much talking. You have to talk about what he did wrong, what she did wrong, what other people did wrong, who was right about what and why, and then there are the lists of demands going forward. There are a lot of words being flung about in the process of healing a damaged love.
By no means am I saying that this isn’t necessary…up to a point. The ability to effectively communicate with each other is a skill every couple needs to cultivate. If you are unable to make yourselves understood, how can anything be fixed in an authentic, solid way?
But there does come a time when so many words are put out there that they stop meaning anything. “State of the Union” conversations in relationships are notorious for resulting in endless circle talking. The real trick to smart communication isn’t just to know the right thing to say but to be able to discern when you’ve said enough.
You know those moments in conversing where you finish saying something and you feel this release of knowing you were able to say exactly what you wanted to say, in exactly the best way to say it? Those are pretty wonderful moments. Maybe it’s just me, but I love that feeling. And when the person you’re talking to (especially when the resolution of a major relationship issue is on the line) feels understood as well, and you reach agreement on the issue…that’s when to stop. Right there.
It’s tempting to get high off of that little rush of connection and think that magically everything will be resolved when in fact, the underlying negative emotions are still close enough to bubble right back up.
The fact that a conversation can go from resolution to war zone again so easily doesn’t mean that the communicative progress you’ve made isn’t real. But after heated discussion, you’re in defense / offense mode. Once the two of you reach a happy place with your words, it’s best to give yourselves some cooling off time before going near the issue again, if you feel the need to at all.
Making Up is Hard to Do
Since you are hereby banned from superfluous chatter about the waves on your sea of love, I advise a more physical approach to reconnecting. Like, literally reconnecting. I wouldn’t say to immediately jump back in bed after breaking up (or coming close to it) with someone and then reconciling. But I would say to do it almost immediately.
Think about it: you have your big fight or existential breakdown or whatever it was that caused you to part ways in the first place, then you decide to make it all fixed and better, then all that talking we just dissected…after all that, doesn’t it make sense to get back into doing something you actually enjoy as a couple? Sex is fun! It’s that simple.
Plus, there’s the release of all those great happy chemicals that sexy times let loose into your brain. These little body-produced drugs make you calm and clear-headed…not to mention that just getting that physically close and cutting loose together re-initiates your comfort with one another. It takes a bit of the stress of this whole process away. No need to be so totally serious about everything, anyway.
Be Realistic
No one likes those couples who get off on the whole breaking up/making up thing. It gets annoying. If you find that the majority of your relationship involves the process of tearing things down and then building them back up again, you might want to reconsider whether or not there’s enough solid, substantial good stuff between the two of you or if you’re just bouncing from one emotional rush to another.
Relationships (at least the sane ones…there’s no accounting for taste) should have a comfy, loving ice cream relationship, even if there are some jagged pieces in there every now and again on your rocky road.
Not every pair who goes off and then back on is doomed to this back-and-forth fate. Sometimes people have a lapse in that lovin’ feelin’, or someone makes a mistake, or you just need a break, and then go on to have a perfectly lovely time together. But a lot of times, there was a real reason you broke up. And even if you get through the talking and the sexing and the trying to move on, some issues aren’t so easily cleared up.
Some issues can’t be really resolved at all. None of us are perfect; falling prey to the serious case of the sads brought on by a break-up and subsequently embarking upon an ill-fated reconciliation attempt happens to even the most self-aware of us. But do yourself a favor: if and when you realize that what’s broken can’t be fixed, don’t put either of you through any additional hardship trying to salvage it.
