I have three sisters. Yes, three. Raised by a single mother, no less, so needless to say, there were a whole lot of hormones flying around that house. We had all your typical sister stuff: stealing each other’s clothes, copying each other’s hair, hating on each other’s clothes and hair and boyfriends and friends…you name it, we did it. And then, naturally, there was the ever-present desire to one-up each other. Textbook sibling rivalry.
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with the idea of sibling rivalry. I mean, after all, as adults we are constantly using the achievements of our peers as motivation to perpetuate our own successes. As children, our brothers and sisters are our peers, our co-workers.
I’ve always felt like a certain degree of competitive fire between siblings can be incredibly motivating towards a child’s development as a proactive, highly achieving person. That’s how it worked with my sisters and I, at least; I joined the swim team, so the following summer, my one-year-younger sister did too.
It annoyed the hell out of me at the time but in the end, I lost interest after a few years and competitive swimming became a huge part of her life, for many years to come. She was great at it. Swimming ended up being an influential teacher and part of how she acquired maturity and confidence…and it all started because she was trying to compete with me.
But then we grow up. And believe it or not, sibling rivalry still exists. The subjects of battle might be different but that feelings, tactics and instincts involved remain largely the same. So how do we continue to take the good that comes with this, while hopefully letting some of the negativity fall away?
Be self-aware
When you’ve known someone your whole life and part of knowing them has included competing with them, it’s hard to break that habit. Sometimes it’s hard to even acknowledge that we’re doing it, it feels like such second nature. Part of the benefit (and responsibility) of being older is knowing yourself and how to read your actions.
There comes a point when you look around at your siblings and realize, “wow, we’re adults now.” This is the point at which you should let “adult” mean “grown-up”. Learn to identify when you’re being immature and silly towards your siblings and cut it out. I mean, cut out the bad parts of being immature and silly. Always keep the good parts.
Part of having adult self-awareness is realizing why you feel in competition with your brothers and sisters; is it a simple long-standing automatic response to want to out-do them? Do you genuinely want what they have or do you just want to beat them? If the former is true, it might be a good idea to put the breaks on and instead, put that energy towards supporting your sibling’s success.
If, on the other hand, you find that you actually do have a similar goal as a sibling, this is the time to let your longtime experience in sibling rivalry be your ally. The rush you get can be a potent source of energy. Don’t forget you’re an adult now; play nice. Don’t sabotage your sibling, obviously, and keep in mind that in most cases, you can both win.
Whether it’s trying for a new career or training for a marathon, you can use your competitive nature between the two of you to push yourself, while at the same time, being supportive of your family member. The truth is, as adults, we stand to gain just as much, if not more, from sibling rivalry as we do when we’re children. The benefit to being older is that we can focus that energy into products goals rather than simply trying to out-do one another.
Although, it still feels pretty damn good to win.
