The decision to get a divorce is a painful one. You've spent years, sometimes decades with this person. You've shared a life. You've shared each other. And you've even created a family together. Divorce is hard, but when kids are in the picture it becomes that much harder. Not only do your children complicate the divorce in practical ways, they also complicate the way you live; you need to do whatever you can to protect them from the trauma of a separation. And that requires a lot of thought and planning.
Sometimes divorce isn't only the right choice for parents, but is the right choice for kids as well. Living with the example of two parents who don't get along is far worse for a child than living with divorce. That said, divorce is always going to be painful for a child, and there are things parents should do to protect their children from real trauma.
Make the kids come first
Divorcing your spouse is one of the most painful, stressful things you can go through. And when you're focused so much on your own pain, it can be easy to forget that the kids are hurting just as much. Especially when your children don't let you know how they're feeling. Most children don't really know how to speak up and let you know how the situation is affecting them. So you need to assure them that their feelings are the priority, even if it doesn't seem like they're overly affected.
Be open with your kids
Your relationship with your spouse is something that's very personal, very private, and very adult. So to many parents, it seems natural to keep the details away from their kids. But just because they're quiet doesn't mean your kids aren't thinking. If you don't communicate with them about what is happening and why, there's a good chance that they'll fill in the blanks with the wrong answers. And that they may think they are to blame for the separation.
Keep it quiet when you fight
For most kids, one of the most traumatic things about a divorce is the fighting at home. So while there are going to be arguments and discussions during the course of the divorce, it's important to keep those conversations private. Kids can sense when their parents are angry and bitter, and it's going to make things that much harder for them. The more amicable you can make the separation, the better it will be for your kids. So even if it's hard --and even if your issues with the relationship are at the forefront of you mind-- you've got to try.
If you can't make the divorce an amicable one, you still need to be sure not to use your kids as props when you fight. Don't try to encourage their loyalties in one direction or another, or use them to try to get revenge on your ex. Using your kids against your ex is probably the most emotionally harmful thing you can do to them during the divorce.
Work together
Even if you can't stand your ex, you need to set aside your differences long enough to discuss a plan for raising your kids together. Decide who will do what, and how. Set the fighting aside and make a plan for your kids' future.
Save the criticisms for your friends
You may have decided that your ex is a disgusting pond-scum parasite who should, by all rights, be smashed under someone's shoe (preferably yours). But your kids still love him or her. So while a thousand insults and complaints may be on the tip of your tongue, never let them fly in front of your kids. It will only confuse them and complicate their relationship with your ex-- something they won't thank you for in the long term.
Create two wonderful homes
For kids, one of the hardest parts about experiencing a divorce is losing what they think of as their home. Mom and Dad are no longer together, and everything they think about safety and home is gone. One of the most important parts of helping your kids come through a divorce is creating two comfortable, safe homes for them. Be sure they have space of their own, toys, and everything they had when you and your spouse lived together. It will be the best way to show your kids they have nothing to fear from this new situation.
Don't be afraid to date
Both for yourself and your children, it's a good idea to leave a little time before you begin dating again. But after your kids have gotten used to their new way of life, you can't be afraid to start dating again. Be open with your kids. When you sign up for that internet dating site or go out looking for someone new, let your kids know you plan to start dating, and then talk to them about it. It may be hard for your kids to adjust, but in the end they would rather see you happy and living your life than see you miserable, resentful, and alone.
