Picture this scenario if you will: you meet someone amazing on your favorite internet dating site and the stars magically line up in favor of your burgeoning romance and suddenly, you’re happy and in love and all that fun fluff.
But what happens when little details, small weird inconsistencies that your infatuation goggles might have caused you to overlook start adding up to something unexpected? No one wants to believe that they’re going to have to go all Intervention on their beloved but drug habits exist, sometimes embodied in completely unexpected people. Who knew your stock broker boyfriend was secretly harboring a taste for the bad stuff? It happens.
And when the clues start to add up and you suspect you have a substance situation in your relationship, there are a few tips to abide by when it comes to dealing with this sticky-icky issue:
Go for the truth head on
The majority of people with secrets keep them under wraps for a reason and are therefore not always the easiest to approach about releasing them. If you choose to bring up your suspicions with your sweetie, make sure you do so deliberately, directly but with sensitivity.
Don’t beat around the bush, don’t drop hints that maybe you know they’re into something that’s not on the level. Tell them exactly what you know (stick to facts, don’t make out loud inferences or assumptions based on those facts), tell them you’re concerned and confused and ask them to explain what’s going on.
Remember to be on their side
There’s a big difference between confronting someone and approaching someone with concern and compassion. The surest way to alienate someone in a situation like this is to put them in a defensive position. Don’t accuse and don’t jump to conclusions. Let them tell you what’s what, not the other way around. Offering assistance, love and support is going to get both of you a lot further than throwing around accusations and admonishments.
…but don’t be a pushover
I know this is turning into a “do this but don’t be too this” list but frustratingly, that’s how these things go. It’s all a balance. In that vein, while still remembering to be on their team, rather than approaching the conversation like you’re calling them out on something bad, you actually are calling them out on something bad.
Depending on what particular habit they’ve been dealing with, there are all kinds of different ways it’s probably been affecting their physical health, as well as the emotional health of both of you and your relationship. This does concern you.
Make them realize that. You’re concerned about them, yes, but you do have a backbone. Don’t coddle your significant other here. They need to know that part of the responsibility of being in a relationship is having someone else’s feelings and well-being wrapped up in yours…the decisions they make do have an effect on you, something they likely haven’t thought much about. Now is the time to make that known.
Don’t overextend yourself
It’s tempting when a loved one has a problem of any kind to offer the sun and moon to heal them. That’s a natural response. In any case, drug-related or otherwise, when emotions run high, it can be hard to keep your promises in check. You need to be a little self-preservationist here.
Overcoming drug addictions can be a long, painful process…and that’s only after the decision has actually been made to even embark on it, which can be a battle all its own. If you’re in a serious relationship where this person is essentially your family, it makes more sense to put your life on hold to help them than it would to do so if you’ve only been involved a short time.
Be realistic about what you can offer and commit to nothing more. You aren’t a bad person for taking honest stock of yourself in this way. You’ll only end up hurting both of you if you promise to hold their hand through every step of the ordeal and then flake out.
