There are certain things that were once considered off-limits in the romantic realm: having multiple, simultaneous emotional and physical involvements, internet dating, dating your ex-stepmother…things like that. But the rules have been changing in the last few years and it seems that a lot of people are much more open-minded about the rules of the lust/love road.
I’m all for liberation and people getting less upset about fewer sticky sex-uations but these days when we’re all supposed to be friends with our ex-lovers and take a zen approach to their moving on to new relationships, where is the line of acceptable dating behavior?
Welcome to the Danger Zone, folks. The rules are less clear than they used to be, so we’re all like toddlers learning to walk; if learning to walk involved grown-up feelings, insecurities and booze. The optimum level of achievement is to find a balance between fulfilling what’s best for you and not hurting others. There are certain situations in which this might seem impossible. Finding out that a friend has become involved with your ex (or being that friend) is indisputably one of those occasions.
If you’re the new girl…
Bless your heart. You’re the unsung victim of this love triangle. You’re the easily hated one, you man-stealing harlot. You have the man, so what do you have to be sad and surly about? Well, lots. For starters, if there is still an ex-girl in the picture who is causing stress and strife with your new beau, it’s undoubtedly muddling what should be the glowing, loving first days of your romance. Energy he’s spending feeling bad/sad/angry/nostalgic about his past lover is energy he isn’t putting into developing his new love.
Having a shadow of guilt over your strained friendship is also sure to make it harder for you to bask in what should be a happy time. And those first few days, weeks and months aren’t things you can get back…if something makes them less than stellar, that’s a huge loss and you have every right to be upset about it.
Let’s assume a few things here: since you’re the conscientious friend and lover I know you are, you were certainly forthcoming about your relationship with your buddy’s ex-man as soon as possible. And you allowed them to have the obligatory post-breakup conversations without getting all jealous and possessive. You surely apologized, acknowledged the inconvenience and carefully explained that you can’t help your feelings but wanted to be honest.
Okay. You did those things, which is really all you can do. You have to be realistic that perhaps maintaining your friendship with your gal pal and pursuing this new fling might not be possible at the same time. You could have to choose. Which is why it sucks to be you. That’s a hard choice to make.
I’m not going to get all “chicks before dicks” on you; sometimes that isn’t what you really want. Maybe you weren’t such good friends with this “chick” and maybe this “dick” could be the love of your life. Regardless, be realistic about your feelings, be honest with everyone involved and act accordingly. Let the chips fall where they may.
If you’re the ex-girl…
You’re pissed. That’s understandable. The guy you fell for, had a relationship with, fell out with, cried about, hated and then loved again and then hated again and finally (maybe) got over is now doing sexy times with your “supposed” friend. So how to proceed?
To begin with, breathe. The best way to alienate both your ex (if you’re still friendly) and your pal is to freak out and put your bitch face on. If they were shady and lied and snuck around and you busted them, then okay, you officially have my permission to un-friend them on Facebook. That’s never cool.
But if they (or at least the one you’re closest to) came to you and presented you with the state of affairs, you have to give them a little credit for trying to keep things on the up and up. It shows they respect you. You know as well as the next chick that sometimes you really can’t help whom you develop feelings for. And unless these are the dumbest, most masochistic fools around, they never would’ve chosen to fall for someone with such built-in complications.
If you can get to your zen place about the whole thing and be happy for them, good for you. If you can’t, you have to keep in mind that this isn’t really your decision. But don’t turn yourself into the bad guy. If you have just too many negative (or lingering loving) feelings wrapped up in this guy and can’t imagine standing by to watch your friend walk in your discarded shoes, tell her. If it’s a “pick me or him” situation (ick), you at least have to be forthcoming about that. Don’t resort to passive aggression.
The other thing to not do (please, please!) is suddenly get territorial and start emotionally manipulating your former flame in an attempt to get him back on team you. Remember that you two ended things for a reason. Also try to remember that these are people you care about and as easy as it would probably be for you to dismantle their budding relationship, think twice before doing so. It’s likely to bring you a world of stress and negativity that you could just as easily avoid. Focus on what’s good in your life and try to think about their love life as little as possible.
