While every couple has disagreements and differing perspectives, there are some couples who seem always to agree on the big issues: religion, family, and goals. But there are other couples who, though they may be compatible in a thousand other ways, struggle when it comes to the question of children. When one person in a relationship wants to have children and another doesn't, it can create a rift that's difficult to heal. And sometimes, depending on how strongly each person feels, it's a rift that shouldn't be healed.
If you and your spouse (or boyfriend or girlfriend) have very different ideas of what the future should bring, there's only so much you can do to come to an agreement. Some issues, like smoking or sleeping habits, are serious but simple to overcome. But the issue of having children is just about as serious as it gets... and is often a deal breaker for both parties.
Acknowledge your partner's viewpoint
When you and your significant other discuss the possibility of having kids and discover a difference in your desires for the future, the first thing you need to do is treat your partner's desires with respect. When it comes to the question of having children, one opinion isn't more valuable than another. Having children is neither a requirement or a curse; it's simply a choice. And whichever choice your partner makes is a valid one. Go into any discussions about having children with a mindset that you should not have to change your desires for your significant other; nor should he or she have to do it for you. Neither of you is "right."
Understand the situation
Raising children is mind-bogglingly difficult. So when it comes time to plan whether or not to have a family, both parties concerned need to be 100% on board. If one person is not convinced (or worse, is not willing) there's no reason to believe that their feelings will change after they have children. And no child deserves a parent that doesn't fully want him or her in their life.
Evaluate your feelings
Next, you need to decide whether or not having or not having a child is a deal breaker for you. Is having a child a decision that you made long ago that you're completely unwilling to change? Is it important enough to you that you'd rather leave your significant other behind in order to pursue it?
Think realistically about the future
When you're in love, the idea of leaving a relationship even because of an important question like whether or not to have children is incredibly painful. Most of us like to think that the future will work itself out. Opinions will change, people will come around, and we'll get to have our cake and eat it, too, in the end. Unfortunately, things don't normally turn out that way. While it's possible that your significant other will come around, it's more probable that he or she won't. And ignoring the issue won't do anything but make it worse in the long run.
Understand the consequences
The "baby question" is an important conversation to have. But if the both of you differ widely in your desires for the future, the result of this conversation may be a break up. Just thinking about leaving somebody you love when the relationship is going well otherwise is heart-wrenching. But sometimes you have to make an investment in your future happiness-- and that means enduring some suffering now.
If you do have a relationship end because of the baby question, don't lose hope. There are plenty of couples out there who agree wholeheartedly about their desire (or lack thereof) for a family. Next time around, just be sure to put your answer to the baby question in bold letters on your internet dating profile. Because being in synch when it comes to this key question is hugely important for the success of your relationship in the long run; you don't want to set yourself up to be hurt again.
