You can select your seat; too bad about the person next to you!
10. The Spreader.
Why should you have to be considerate of the person next to you? You have a total right to spread out your arms and legs, bump knees with your seatmate, take up the entire armrest, and use up way more than your fair share of space. After all, you're you... and you're special. You don't need to be considerate. And when it comes time to sleep, lucky you... the stranger in the seat next to you has a perfect shoulder on offer. Nighty-night.
9. The Babbler.
Maybe you like to chat with strangers while you fly. I, on the other hand, don't. Take a hint and stop talking to me about your lumbago, your crappy job, and how excited you are to finally meet in person that surreptitiously beautiful Russian princess (who only needs to borrow a few thousand dollars) that you met an internet dating site.
8. The Screaming Toddler.
Unlike screaming infants, the hysterical screaming toddler can both implode your eardrums and kick the back of your seat for 6 hours straight. That's quite an accomplishment.
7. The "Bombs are Funny" Guy.
Isn't it funny to talk about bombs on airplanes? Everybody's so paranoid about them that watching their reaction is just hilarious! Or... not. Sure, people are a little overly paranoid about flying these days. And while that may bother you, it's best to keep your off-color jokes to yourself. We don't want to watch you get tackled by security and dragged off the plane. (Or maybe we do... but we don't want to be late because of it.)
6. The Smelly One.
Ah, this one is a pleasure to sit by... and there are so many different charming varieties. There's the guy who thinks plastering on approximately 3 liters of cheap cologne will get him more attention from the flight attendant. And the girl who thinks it's all right to paint her nails while sitting next to you. Then there's the true winner-- Mr. "I haven't showered for a week, and nor do I use deodorant." Thanks so much for the fragrant flight.
5. The Procrastinator.
These days, you have to arrive at the airport about 6 days early in order to take a flight. So how is it that you don't have your stuff together when it's time to get through security, or have your carry-on arranged by the time you've found your seat on the plane? Don't linger in the aisle 10 minutes, screwing around with your baggage while others are trying to find their seats. Please?
4. The Lounger.
Here's a message for you: flying sucks, and everybody on the flight is cramped and uncomfortable. That doesn't give you the right to put your seat so far back that the person behind you (namely: me) is so cramped they can't move. Even to get out of their seat to use the bathroom.
3. The Disaster Guy.
You get seated, get your seatbelt on, and settle down to get comfortable. And then the moment the engines come on, your seatmate gets started: did you hear about the terrible accident in Madrid, where the place crashed just after take off, burning everybody on board alive? What a fun story for a flight, right?
2. The Drunk.
One of the very best parts of flying internationally? Most carriers offer free booze on the flight. It's lovely to partake of a relaxing before-dinner screwdriver, and a glass of wine with your cardboard-flavored meal. But when the five or six times that the cabin crew comes around to offer drinks isn't enough, and you have to go back several times to request a new cocktail (getting louder and more liable to stumble down the aisle every time), it's too much. I wish somebody would have said so to the frizzy-haired drunkard on my last flight to New York.
1. The Ultra-Paranoid Racist.
After the attacks of September 11, it makes a certain amount of sense to want to avoid having your plane hijacked by a group of extremist terrorists. But that doesn't mean it's likely to happen. In my book, the worst kind of airline passenger is the one who distrusts anybody who doesn't look, well... just like them. It's bad enough that the guy in a turban was practically cavity searched at security. He doesn't need to have his seatmate whispering to the flight attendant about her fear of bombs strapped to his chest. Give the poor guy a break.
