Published in Relationships     3 comments – join the discussion!

“Happily ever after” and “forever after” are wonderful dreams to hold on to, but for most of us unfortunately, these dreams are idealistic and impractical, almost improbable in the real world. Hence the reason for so many divorces today.

The demise of my marriage after almost two decades and its aftermath is reason enough for me to probably never marry again. It’s why I should just simply date, A LOT. My “Big D” was and still is a very challenging and convoluted divorce (not that any divorce is easy). A judge in one of our many court proceedings made a statement that my husband was steering us through a very intense litigated adversarial divorce that waged war not only against me, but inadvertently on our children as well. How sad.

At the point of my separation, I had to flee my home and left with only what my sister and I could pack into a small SUV (which at the time was a rental because my husband had sabotaged my vehicle causing over $15,000 damage to it). I basically had to start over with nothing, lost almost everything and still have no idea if I can regain financial stability where I will have security for my future.

My separation was one that eventually had my husband descend into a chaotic madness that raged through him and ravaged his being. His anger, resentment and jealousy turned him into a bitter madman. It turned my life upside down and for many, many months, I lived in fear and sadness. Fear that he would hurt me, possibly kill me and sadness for the heartbreak and emotional turmoil my children were enduring. He was using our children as a material possession and moving them about as pawns. I was now in the middle of what could have been the sequel to The War of the Roses. In fact, that original movie could have been categorized along the lines of “Driving Miss Daisy” compared to my wretched separation. I was slowly being destroyed at the hands of a man that once, supposedly, loved me.

I believe that my husband felt totally blindsided. Blindsided because in his mind we had the ‘perfect’ marriage. His narcissistic and patriarchic nature had him believing so and had him believing we were so solid that his world could never possibly be touched. As long as I actively maintained the role and illusion of a happy marriage, and did my so called wife work, then all was well. I, however, lived with years of panic/anxiety attacks and chronic depression that left me suffocating. With the help and support of my family, I managed to have the strength to finally break free and I was finally able to tell my husband that although I loved him, I was not ‘in love’ with him. Those words have consumed him.

At the end of the day, I wanted what should have been for the sake of our children, a “good” divorce over a “bad” divorce. I looked upon it as the final task of my marriage, which was, negotiating a decent end to our marriage and our titles as husband and wife. It should have been a slow transition, to a new and better life for all of us. But I will argue that most of us who initiate a petition for divorce do not have such choices. We don’t, because the person scorned will do everything and anything in their power to destroy us.

Ending a marriage is never an easy decision or process. Yet, even with all that has transpired over these last two years, I still don’t have any regrets for walking away from my 20 year marriage. Presently, I have no significant other in my life, but yes, I am dating , A LOT! Financially, I am at the most difficult point in my life, I’m actually pretty broke. But, I now have a home for me and my children, and most importantly, I have my children and I have never been happier in my life!

It is now estimated that more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Not many of those divorce proceedings are smooth or amicable. In some instances, the term ‘til death do us part’ becomes an understatement to say the least. If you must go down this path, try to be somewhat noble (not necessarily magnanimous), especially if children are involved. Because the “forever after” will not be the kind where you walk away hand-in-hand into the sunset, but into a courtroom where you will end up in a tug of war that will go nowhere fast…

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Comments

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1

Chloe

Posted on January 29, 2008, 4:51 pm

Wow, this articles is terrific. I'm sorry you had to experience such a long and drawn out ordeal and I thank you for sharing it with us. Congratulations on your courage. I wish you and your children well.

2

Isabelle (Author)

Posted on February 7, 2008, 1:02 pm

Thank you for your comment and your best wishes.

3

Katarina_HD

Posted on February 12, 2008, 2:21 pm

Just remember, you are so much better off today than you were yesterday and tomorrow will always be better.

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