Oh yes, this one happens to the best of us: you have an amazing pal of the opposite sex and you think they’re the bee’s knees. They’ve held your hand through break-ups, celebrated your successes with you, brought you soup when you were gross and sick and couldn’t bear to let your boyfriend see you like that…they’ve been around for the good, the bad and the very unflattering and yet, they still adore you. Because that’s what friends do.
Buddies of the other gender are irreplaceable; they give us that great opposite sex attention and perspective and energy without the complications of sexuality involved. Okay, okay, there’s almost always at least some degree of sexual tension to guy-girl friendships, even if they don’t realize it, but it’s all in platonic fun. But like I said, irreplaceable. So what do you do when you slowly start feeling like instead of bitching to your favorite man friend about all the disappointing dates that maybe your mistake is not dating him?
The pros and cons of whether or not to jump a relationship from Friendville to Coupletown are long and tricky…let’s see if we can boil down the highlights of this complicated deciding debacle:
Reasons to Go For It
Simple put: In an ideal relationship, the person you’re romantically involved with will also be someone you are compatible with in the friendship department. Because the universe is totally unfair, this rarely happens when said relationship begins in a dating format. It’s hard to let yourself be carefree and unself-conscious enough to really be friends (at least initially) with someone you’re trying to appear sweet and sexy to.
Many people find it way harder to feel comfortable in the silly, I-can-make-dumb-jokes-and-bitch-about-my-mom-to-you kind of way with someone than to be sexually or amorously attracted to someone. Why is it that being our unabashed selves is somehow more intimate than actually getting intimate?
We are just as much being ourselves when we’re in sexytime mode. It’s not some act we put on for our sweethearts, it’s just another facet of who we are. And that’s something we don’t get to share with our pals (well, depending on what kind of pal, but let’s say for the sake of this conversation that we aren’t talking about the notorious friend with benefits).
With that said, one of the biggest reasons to take the plunge when you discover you have extra-friendly feelings for your buddy is that they will get to know all of you, which is a complete picture that isn’t easily or frequently divulged to people. If the feelings of affection and openness are mutual, this kind of knowing each other better than anyone else knows you can form an incredibly solid foundation for a relationship. Plus, you’re friends with this person for a reason so presumably, you already share interests, jokes and even a whole social scene…there’s no need to wonder if the person you want to make out with will have lots in common with you and “get” you if you already know that’s true from the beginning. Talk about taking a ton of stress out of the dating game.
Reasons to Keep It Friendly
I’m not big into acting based on fear, in any situation. But as we get a little older, we hopefully begin to infuse a little pragmatism into our decision making process, romantic or otherwise. And anyone with half a brain will see that it’s when contemplating whether or not to take your friendship with someone to the next level, you have to entertain the idea that it might not work out. People break up.
I know what you’re thinking, that you and this person are such good friends that you would never break up. Maybe that’s true. I think of all the couples that have seriously staying power, the ones who were friends first are the frontrunners. But come on, kittens, let’s get real: when you bring sex and romantic love into a relationship, there are suddenly a whole mess of feelings present that weren’t there before. And that can shake even the most solid of partnerships.
Add to that the knowledge that if you do fall apart, you’ll both be losing a friend and a lover? Yeah, talk about pressure. Talk about anxiety and insecurity and worry. That’s a lot on the line and the sheer weight of the possibility of that kind of loss could be enough to make one or both of you act in ways that could end up sabotaging the relationship and, worse case, end the friendship too.
So yes. That’s a possibility. You have to decide if it’s worth the risk. My only advice is that if you decide to jump in, you are making two promises: 1) you will not let the fear of losing this person control you. Keep a cool head and you’re way more likely to be successful in this endeavor. 2) You will NOT get upset and talk about “how things used to be” between you two. Because things will change. Always remember that for better or worse, you are the one who wanted to make that change.
When the rest of his guy friends, who used to always treat you like one of the boys and want you around all the time, suddenly start treating you like their friend’s girlfriend and maybe want him alone sometimes, don’t be surprised. It happens. You’re changing the very nature of your relationship so there will be some growing pains. It might suck in little ways but overall, if you play it smooth and focus on the immense good you’ve gained, you’ll be just fine.
Readytolive
45 / Female
Comments: 1
Posted on November 19, 2009, 1:19 pm
I don't recommend taking a friendship to the next level unless you are sure the other person feels the same way you do. I mean absolutely SURE. Otherwise, keep it to yourself. The reason for this is if they do NOT feel the same way, you have just ruined the friendship. Some might say that if you were really friends to begin with that the friendship will overcome this slight "adversity" . This will not happen. The other person will feel uncomfortable, because they no longer know how to act around you. They will be evasive about things (like other romantic interests they may have - so they don't hurt your feelings). You will realize they are acting differently and try to fix things by pretending you no longer have feelings for them. But if you are like me (a terrible actress and liar) then you just withdraw because you no longer know what to do about the situation. Then the friendship deteriorates. You've lost the potential love, but more tragically, you've lost the friend.
