Yes, I completely ripped off the title of this article from Dave Chappelle. But when someone else has already said what you want to say better than you could’ve said it, better give credit where credit is due. His use of the expression was in reference to a sketch he did on his show about occasions when using the brutal truth can backfire. Like most of his comedy, this point of amusement has some very helpful real world applications.
If you’re like me, you take a certain sense of pride about your ability to “keep it real”; you deliver the truth, even when it’s unwanted or unpleasant. Okay, okay, if you’re actually like me, you’ve discovered that your “realness” is actually a hindrance against inner and social harmony at times.
There are endless occasions when I firmly believe that telling it straight is the way to go: if your sister’s new boyfriend is canoodling with his co-worker, or your best friend is about to get suckered into paying way too much for a new car…these are times when being a blatant babe is the righteous thing to be.
But honesty is powerful weapon and as with any weapon, it’s just as important to know when not to use it. We’re told time and again as children to always tell the truth. This is good teaching because, in general, that’s how to proceed. But alas, we’re grown-ups (supposedly) now and it’s important to use the power of discernment to realize that there are a few times when putting things in black and white makes everything a gross, gray mess.
Ahem. A few examples:
Your boss hires a complete idiot
Even if you and your boss are practically best buds and have been working together for years, when it comes to hiring and firing, you should really only voice your opinion when asked for it. I understand that maybe this new guy is completely incompetent but if that’s the case, the proof will be in the pudding. Do your job and actually, do it better than ever. You’ll look great by comparison to the lame new person. When your boss figures out that you’re all better off minus the new addition, be supportive and helpful. By backing up company decisions and picking up slack when needed, you’ll be seen as an essential team player, rather than a nay-saying hater.
Your friend makes a terrible hair decision
Bad haircut, ill-advised outfit choice, unfortunate eyebrow wax…these all apply. Things like this, your friend can’t immediately undo. Dishing out the brutal truth will do nothing but make them feel self-conscious and you’ll feel bad and then no one is happy. Instead, go for the constructive criticism: help your pal experiment with new ways to style their hair under its new constraints or hell, buy them a hat. When an appropriate amount of time has gone by, just “happen” to tell them about this hot new haircut they should get. Even suggest a salon day for the two of you so you can nudge them away from a repeat of their icky coiffure.
Any act of poor parenting in public
Oh my unholy-self-control-test, this one is always hard for me. I don’t care what you’re witnessing, short of all-out child abuse (in which case, call the cops instead of reprimanding the parents), it’s never a good idea to challenge a stranger’s child-rearing techniques. When have you ever heard of someone doing that and the parent going, “Oh, thank you! I had no idea I was ruining my child!” Yeah, that doesn’t happen. It’s always unpleasant. I know that spanking and letting kids scream in theaters and those weird baby-leashes are all travesties but ya know, it’s everyone’s right to ruin their kids.
Your new lover asks if your ex was good in bed
Repeat after me: "I hardly remember what sex was like before you, honey". Yes, that might be overdoing it a bit, but you get the idea. I don’t care if your ex invented orgasms, if you care about your new person at all, don’t say that. Anything good you say about a previous bedmate is going to give your current one a serious case of the sads. Instead, say something ambiguous and avoidant about the ex-in-question and then take this as an opportunity to pump up your current sweetie’s skills. Works every time.
