I, like many women (and men, for that matter), have an ongoing love/hate relationship with this culturally ubiquitous idea of “The One”. As if the pressures associated with dating and internet dating weren’t intense enough, now we have this additional, underlying obligation to not only be charming and fantastic in order to have fun with the one we’re with but to use almost supernatural powers of discernment to sense which of the possible mates is the perfect match to complete our souls and lives.
Wow. That’s a lot to ask. It’s no wonder so many take issue with the very idea of The One…and it’s also no wonder that so many fall in love with the rare illusory nature of the hunt to find a needle in a haystack. Who started this idea? And who allowed it to be perpetuated for so many years? And really, is it all as bad as the cynics (perhaps including ourselves) would have us believe?
To get to the bottom of this idea, I can’t help but go back. Way back, to the beginning, when dating wasn’t so much about love and compatibility as it was about families, politics and ownership. Maybe when girls were being pushed into marriages that perhaps their hearts weren’t in, they were sold on the match by being told lovely sounding fairytales about their intended husband being the one true, best person for them to be with. I mean, if that’s the case and your parents (who always know what’s best, right?) are saying, “This is THE ONE!”, well, then why not get married? Why keep looking for Mr. Right?
I know, that’s just one answer but I like it. For the sake of argument, let’s just say that’s where the notion of The One came from. It’s a logical spoonful of sugar to help the medicine of arranged marriage go down. We can forgive that. We’ve all told ourselves little lies to make peace with the situations we can’t help being in. But when we fast forward to the time when women do have options as far as who they give their hearts to and share their lives with (and even have the option to not pick anyone), why does the myth persist?
I go back and forth about this. Thinking that there’s one perfectly suited person out there, just waiting to embark on life with you, with all the understanding, mutual ambition and congruity of thought they would undoubtedly possess, certainly makes shaking off the shame after a truly terrible date a bit easier.
But at the same time, what if you fall completely in love and everything is gravity-stopping perfection…and in the end, it doesn’t work out? And what if you fall in love again? Is the first person The One, or is it the second person? Or is it someone you haven’t met? Or someone you passed up? Is it just the last man standing?
This is my most glaring issue with the whole The One thing; all of these questions. I think the most important thing in any relationship is to be fully present and enjoying every minute of it. It’s natural (not to mention, just good sense) to think about the future but panic over the cosmic, existential meaning of your love is nothing but distracting you from fully feeling your love. And that makes me hate thinking about The One.
Love is sufficient unto itself and compatibility is a bonus. If you can make a happy life with someone, just do it. Happiness is the point, as far as I’m concerned, and it’s something we should take into our own hands. Sitting around waiting for the stars to line up isn’t nearly proactive enough for the smart, modern romance pioneer.
El_Bristow
26 / Male
Comments: 1
Posted on September 9, 2009, 3:17 pm
This is refreshing to read. It fills me with dismay, the vast ammount of young ladies i know who chase the myth of "The One True Love". They are cosntantly in and out of relationships because none of them are close enough to perfect. Or thier fairy tale ideal of love at first sight leaving them open to users and abusers.
Thinkdeeper
30 / Male
Comments: 1
Posted on September 13, 2009, 4:59 am
Its the Blue Price Syndrome, and we all can thank our childhood fairy tales for that one, please dont mess with your kids people, dont call your child a price or a princess, you dont know the psychological damage you are doing to your kids, and explain them that bed time stories are not real, better if you just dont tell the period.
