"Blood is thicker than water." Your family --and especially your parents-- is one of the most important things in your life. Your parents are there when you're born, they're there through the good times and the bad times. For most of us, our parents are our anchor.
Unfortunately, for others of us our parents are the anchor that pulls down and drowns our budding relationships.
Especially if you're a young dater, getting out from under the influence of your parents can be difficult-- especially if they hold on tight with both hands. But if you want a relationship with somebody new, whether you meet them on a free internet dating site or they're somebody your family has known for years, becoming fully independent from your parents is a hugely important part of making that relationship work. In short, making your partner happy has got to take priority over making your parents happy.
For some people, setting this priority is really difficult. And doing so creates problems in their relationship. Parents get upset and possessive, partners feel left behind, and the situation becomes fraught with tension. And while parents who have healthy relationships with their children will generally stand aside to let their child live his or her life, others use guilt and manipulation to keep some control over their children.
Whether the problem is with your parents or your partner's, talking out an awkward parent-child-partner relationship is hugely important. And it's also important to do it the right way. If you have issues with the way your partner prioritizes you and his or her parents, you need to sit down and have a long talk. Read on for tips on broaching this delicate subject correctly.
Negative Ways to Talk About Parents
If you and your partner talk about your parents in the wrong way, having this conversation can be counter-productive. People hold their families close to their hearts, and saying hurtful things --even if they seem true to you-- will automatically put them on the defense. As does making excuses for parents who don't know where the boundaries are.
What follows are some things you should avoid saying to your partner about your or their parents.
• "You care about your parents more than me."
• "You're just jealous of my relationship with my parents."
• "They're family and they're old; making them happy is more important right now."
• "It's just easier to say no to you than it is to say no to them."
• "I won't do anything that will upset my parents." (or "You're afraid to do anything to upset your parents")
Positive Ways to Talk About Parents
If you or your partner's parents are coming between you, there are positive ways to talk about it. Now, positive doesn't necessarily mean that saying or hearing them won't hurt. Sometimes the truth is painful. But it does mean that you should always be working towards exposing and solving a problem rather than pointing fingers. Some positive ways to talk about parents and priorities are:
• "There has to be a way to make a smart compromise. Let's find it."
• "Let's put our relationship first, and then talk about what the parents need."
• "Let's discuss how we'll talk to the parents about our boundaries and priorities."
• "Please tell me why you feel like you do so we can figure out how to move forward."
When you choose somebody as a mate, you make a choice to put that person first. After all, no type of partnership will work out if both parties aren't fully committed. While it may seem like something that will hurt the parents concerned, it's very important to make decisions about parents' roles in your lives early on in the relationship. This sets boundaries and standards that parents will eventually adjust to; boundaries which are a heck of a lot harder to set up later on down the road.
