Posted on May 5, 2009, 9:24 am

I put this together a few weeks ago as I suddenly found the whole world a bit overwhelming with respect to internet dating. It just flowed onto the paper as alot of jumbled thoughts all coming together. It has not been edited in any way. Maybe later on that. If it helps even somebody to back up and do a little reassessment, then it will have served its purpose. I hope you like it even though for some it may be a wake up call they did not wish to receive.

Title: Ladies? Where Do We Fit In?

Please take a minute to settle in. Perhaps grab a glass of wine and relax. Allow me to tell you a little story about life. When I’m finished, please take a moment to thank me privately if I’ve opened your eyes to anything. If you want to jump up and criticize me at the audacity of it all, then I ask you again, to thank me privately at taking the time to notice and offer an option to sorting it all out.

As a little girl, many women find themselves entranced in the imagery of being the Princess of the Castle…finding her Prince Charming…and living happily ever after. Some will insist they never went there in their minds. But ladies, you’ve all been there in some fashion even if it was to long for something magical that would change your life for the better.

At some point, the shaping of the woman begins to take place and she allows love to enter her heart. All encompassing, she feels the warmth of his touch, the gentle caresses, those other magical stimulations that all lend to a feeling she has never known. She wants this man in her life on a daily basis. She wants him to be the father of her children.

Now, this is the precise point we have to stop and look at things. Who is this man? Whom did you select? While so many dreams were spent enthralled in the mere notion of a man who would be everything to you, is that what you found? Many times not. This man, more often than not, is the complete opposite. The bad boy who touched your senses when HE deemed necessary. Many times he left you wanting, yearning, and craving for more. He was a challenge and you were going to win that challenge over with the pure essence that YOU were the best thing in this world for him. Whether you realize it or not, you pursued him. He allowed you to catch him but he did little to change anything about himself to accommodate you in his life. Whether you’ll believe it or not, for him it WAS all about the sex and the feelings he showed you were a derivation thereof.

At this point, let’s dig a little deeper at just who we are. Ladies, as much as it pains me to say, most men really don’t realize YOU, as a person with all these amazing qualities, do exist. Men are testosterone driven animals. Deep down, they wake up each day, and any interaction they have with you on a deeply personal level is a means to an end. Their subconscious says to them, “What do I have to do to have an orgasm today.” That’s it. I wish it were more, but it literally is that archaic. So, this is the starting point for most men. Very few men find it within themselves to ever leave this place in the deepest reaches of their mind. This is why many relationships, for as long as one can remember, find the woman longing to have ALL of her senses satisfied. Nothing else in the relationship seems sure footed. Everything is resolved in the bedroom…as long as he gets his. And there also, many women find themselves also wanting for more. How far now are we from the fairy tale romance?

The demands of life begin to take their toll. The man comes to grips with the fact he is not going to have sex all day, every day, and he has to live. He selects a job, or a career and begins the process of providing for himself. This now severely cuts down the time that he has to devote to stimulating his libido. So, where does that leave him? With a little time after the demands of the day to look at women, pursue women, and take care of the immediate need. The one difficult thing that a man has the toughest time with is coming home and beginning the courting process all over again. That is what it is ladies. That is what happens. It begins with, “How was your day?” and from there it is an unwinding from your interaction. Then some dinner. Then you long for quiet time…hugging…cuddling….caressing. He will be in it with you if there is going to be sex as the result. But face it ladies. More often than not, your mind is elsewhere also. You’ve thought all day about your man and just feeling his touch and that interaction with you and him together. You’re exhausted in your own right. He is your safety place when all is well. Sex, more often than not, is the furthest thing from your mind. You just want his touch and him close. You are together but still operating from different viewpoints on closeness.

Surprisingly, this is where most relationships start to struggle. You both are still at opposite ends of the spectrum. If he gets his, then you are left unfulfilled at the lack of tenderness and togetherness in sharing other life moments. Women come from the nurturing side and this man stimulates you to see what the two of you are as one. I see it. Most men rarely do. The woman is an extension of the man. You are as one. Your hearts live and breathe as one. The height of intimacy comes from the way you move together, interact with one another, and share your innermost deepest thoughts and desires. I found the other end of the spectrum where most women reside. The bad boys, the self involved anarchists of love, the workaholics will never find it.

Here is where we enter the next problematic situation. Take someone like me who can feel, understands what a woman goes through in her mind, and knows how to do those little things to take the stresses out of the day rather than creating them. We were there years ago. We were waving our hands wildly in the back of the crowd. You would have little to do with us romantic types way back when. Why is that? It’s simple. It was either too unbelievable or there was no challenge. “How does this man dare come into my life being all that? How does he know me so well? How can he possibly know the things I like when he doesn’t even know me? How can he possibly want to do everything in this world with me? There is no challenge for you. Rationalization says it is all an act. Nobody is like this! Suddenly, the man you grew up dreaming about and longing for is the very one by his mere existence that suffocates you when he enters your life; he is the one you have already decided does not exist. So, you never give him a chance.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Many women do find their Prince Charming. But along the way, something else goes wrong. He is left empty in some way. He needs other women around him. He needs a change of venue…scenery…variety. He needs other things that don’t include you. Remember, we are testosterone driven. He needs someone else that isn’t you. He cheats.

Suddenly, all that was believable is a lie. The whole world around you crumbles. Nothing makes sense any more. He took the very best of you and trashed it. For him, many times it was “the moment”. It was the thrill of an orgasm from an unexpected source. Perhaps it was just getting those unfulfilled sexual aspects of your life with him taken care of. More often than not, he ends up loving her because of all the sexual things she does for him that you wanted to drag out over weeks or months….or…in most cases….never happened. Or, did once, and never happened again. To go into all the reasons and rationale behind it shall be left for another day and it isn’t a topic to visit for now in the grand scheme of things. It’s done. We all move on to the next chapter in our lives.

At some point along the way, for most women, children either absolutely had to be, or happened. They are her pride and joy. They are the only true extension she has in this world as a legacy unto herself. They are validation for purpose in this world and in this life. The woman needs not to have the same rewards and daily goals met with children as she does with her man. Just in their mere existence, the children become reward enough for her. For most men, they handle the prospects of a family in a thousand different ways. But remember ladies, for the man, just as it is for his job and his interests, raising a family does exhaust you, and leaves little for him at the end of the day. It is exhausting for both of you. Very few couples in this life do actually reach the height of the passion that could AND SHOULD exist between them when children are introduced into the equation. You are no longer a couple…you are a family. For the woman, while she will rarely admit it, the man sees her nurturing side and her sexual aggressiveness get retooled and reapplied to the children. The romance fades and in many cases disappears. The passion is all but a flicker. The two now have lost what they once had and will continue as such until the children are grown and gone. Many times though, it never gets that far. The relationship ends in divorce.

Now, if she wasn’t there before, the woman is there now. She is left to take care of her itself. Most women prove out just who they are in this very process right here. She gets a job if she doesn’t have one. She begins the process of reestablishing her own identity. She pours herself even deeper into her children. After all, they won’t let her down like HE did! The day becomes full of all the various things she can do to continue to validate her life. All too often though, it is things that hide the pain and keep her busy so she doesn’t have to think about what happened, and what went wrong. Many women turn to focusing on their family for as many things as they can be involved with them. The woman has created a new life for herself. She is not the same. She works her job. She shuttles the kids here and there. Teacher meetings. Groceries. Housework. Church and faith. Visiting family. Doing things with family. Getting together with girlfriends. Committee meetings. Texting and talking on the cell phone at every possible free moment. Her life is completely full.

In essence ladies, this is where the walls of the fortress are built the highest by you. No man is going to get in now is he? No man is going to hurt my heart again! A certain characteristic of this very process emerges here. At some point, the woman sits down to catch her breath and maybe is watching a romantic movie. She realizes there is no man there to hold her. There is no man to hug her at the end of the day. There is no man to hold her when she goes to sleep. There is no man to make love to her. There is no passion. Her now seemingly FULL life is absent of the one crucial component the fairy tale romance was based on when she was a little girl……….passion.

Remember now, you built the walls of the castle that now houses the Princess in you and your whole life. Yet, you “suddenly” decide something is missing. As the children grow and one by one, they leave the nest, or can take care of themselves, the apparent need for a man intensifies. I say apparent because you don’t really need him. Your life is full and rich. But there are those various instances where you need a man right then and there. For many women, and not to delve into too deeply, but their sexual awareness and need for stimulation increases dramatically as they get older. Perhaps it is all those years of not being fully satisfied. She sets out to solve the apparent problem.

Many women at least have the capacity to realize that most people don’t do the bar scene any more. It is too pretentious. That will never change. It is men and testosterone personified. So, they figure they will try the safe route in a medium that will allow them to control the interaction. They decide on internet dating.

Now is your chance to shine right? You can say anything on the internet, and there are various websites that will allow you to divulge any of your innermost thoughts and desires out of just what man you need, want, and what he will do for you. Now, let’s rewind a second. Remember where we started from? The Princess looking for Prince Charming? The fairy tale? Happily ever after? It is all but a distant memory now isn’t it? Women are left with, “All the good ones are taken now.” Or…”He’s so good looking. I guarantee you he is married or has no job…or both.” Or…“Why do ALL men lie in their profiles and pictures?“ Or…“Where did he go? It was all going to wonderfully!“ I could go on and on. It is this very point in time though that YOU need to decide EXACTLY what it is YOU want. Do you still want Prince Charming? Is he still out there? Is there still the perfect man for me? Am I willing to allow him to be the most important thing in my life and risk getting hurt again? YOU cannot allow the man to dictate whether these things will happen or not as a result of him. YOU have to put yourself in the right frame of mind for starting this next stage of your life. Most women start this process in the wrong frame of mind and they are set up to fail right from the beginning.

As a romantic through and through, I have seen it. Many men have done exactly as you have and filled their lives with so much to do. For most men, they are missing sex. I wish it was more than that but it never changes. You just need to find that ONE man who knows passion. Who can create passion. Who can focus more on you sexually than he does for himself. Devote time in his day to pleasing you and taking some of the stress out of the day for you. Who loves candlelight and wine and crackling fires and sunsets and isn’t afraid of expressing his innermost desires and drawing all of yours out of you. A man who knows how to make love to you with his eyes at the breakfast table as well as he does behind closed doors. A man who knows eating a bowl of ice cream can be one of the most sensual experiences you’ve ever shared. A man who touches your soul AND who has every right to because you feel safe in allowing him to.

I’m drawn here to some particular movies that seem to deeply touch many women’s hearts in various ways, as well as my own more than you‘ll now. In Bridges of Madison County, we have Francesca who embodies what many women feel in their lives. Trapped in an unfulfilling environment, she finds that one man whom her soul has yearned for her entire life. In four days, she finds her soul mate in Robert. She will spend eternity with him. In Somewhere In Time, Richard transcends time and any obstacle to be with his soul mate Elise. Even she says, “Is it you?“ on their first meeting knowing that the man of her dreams would avail himself to her at some point. But then true to the life that she led says, “Is it any wonder I failed to recognize you.” This happens because the vision of that very man coming along had all but faded. In The Notebook, by virtue of class distinction, Noah and Allie are kept apart. Finally she realizes that her soul mate lies in the simple decision that her own heart is most important in this life over anything else. They, of course, die in each other’s arms. The ONLY way I personally could envision leaving this world. While fantasy in some respects, how is it that movies like these have drawn millions of adoring fans worldwide? Because we all crave tenderness, love, affection, and validation of our soul in this life. There truly is that one unique individual who was put on this earth for us; to complete us; to carry our hearts wrapped in their own into the hereafter.

Many women lose sight of these very objectives in love. Or perhaps, they just give up on finding the right person. Women will now assess themselves; their needs and wants in their mind, and then form their profiles of just who they are. This, many times is where it all goes wrong. We guys see it all too often. “My children are the most important thing to me and I hope he will understand that.” “He needs to love children as I do” “I love doing things with my family and friends and they are very important to me.” For myself, and for many men, this says one thing, and one thing only. You have built the walls very high and surrounded yourself with many things that are currently validating your life. They are also the very things that protect any man from getting too close to you…from touching your heart on any terms other than what you deem necessary and that you control at all times. If your children are the most important thing in your life, then a man will never be #1 to you. It also says that you bypassed yourself in the process. You did not make yourself #1 and therefore no one can share that same level with you. Many women then place family in too high a regard and now the man falls even further down the list. Close friends in your life? Even further down the list. I must ask again. Where is it that Prince Charming fits into all of this? You grew up thinking it was love and ever after. Now suddenly it is about convenience? Please don’t say that relationships passed have hardened your heart and changed you……that all these other people around you are the only thing you can rely on to take care of your heart. I am here. There are undoubtedly many more like me.

Yes, it is feast or famine. From no one to suddenly having all these adoring fans. Right? Well, nothing has changed in that respect. Most of the guys out there are just not right for you…for your heart. For many women, the process has come full circle. For myself personally, I will hear one of two things. They say they are too busy to devote the attention to me that I apparently require. Or, they don’t believe somebody so romantic still exists out there and they don’t trust it. And what do the women tend to gravitate towards? The man that can give them a little time here and there when they need it. In other words, the man who can stand outside the castle walls with the moat and the drawbridge and talk to her through the window of the highest tower.

This then lends to a whole new dating process where the woman allows a number of her “willing subjects” to entertain her and submit for her attention. She then sets up her own “weeding out process” that more often than not yields less than stellar and fulfilling results. All the while, she never really took the chance to make any one of those men a priority in her life. And all she did was create more chaos that took her further away from her stated objective. Undoubtedly, if you have already found several dating prospects from the internet, I can assure you that you have met “your share” of liars, and adulterers, and men you would never have anything to do with otherwise if a friend had wanted to introduce you. Now, because you kept yourself open to the multitude, or perhaps lowered your standards in exchange for all this new found attention, you ruined the entire process for THE ONE MAN who could be the most likely prospect to actually be Prince Charming. As for me personally, I can only date one woman. It isn’t fair to anybody to date more than one. You see where it goes and you allow one person to gain any level of priority in your life. Dating more than one person states right from the beginning that the other person is significant enough to know you and share quality time that holds no other meaning than just that…time shared. The quality all but vanishes when time is spent with someone else other than just one person. This holds true for both men and women.

Some people are fine with all of this. After all, most men want sex so will only interact with you when they think sex is the outcome. Women crave the attention from many sources. The ONLY way to overcome what the ONE did to you is to surround yourself with the many. Many men “friends” equals many adoring fans who don’t hurt you like the ONE did. Yet, the woman is still left empty in many respects. She does not have her Prince. She does not have her soul mate. She does not have her best friend. She does not have the level of passion she rightfully deserves. She is still empty. Every day you avoid finding these things in ONE person is a day you can never get back.

Now what is the answer? If I had the definitive answer, then I wouldn’t be writing this, it would be common knowledge and passion would reign supreme in many more relationships everywhere! But, I will give you some clues on how to make your life just that much more rewarding and put you on a better path to finding that elusive love you are longing for.

First and foremost, YOU are the most important thing in your life. No one else. Not even God. Your life is the reason you are here and you alone control the outcome. Once you come to terms with that, you will have a whole new perspective. The man in your life is an extension of YOU. He is a part of you. You have to allow him in. The INSTANT you become self serving to many people and causes, then your man only gets a portion of you. The whole is gone. The bond is continually strained and will eventually break. Your man of course, has to be the same in this regard. You have to be able to read this in him. If you tell him, or anybody you are self sufficient or independent, then once again you are in trouble. Your Prince Charming needs to know you can not make it through the day without him in some regard. You need to allow him to be a part of your life right from Day One. He will write you online with passion and feeling in his style and prose. He will draw you to think about special things you enjoy as a person. He will make you think about your feelings and your place in this world. You will feel the connection as a person, NOT as an object.
When you meet, he undoubtedly will NOT look exactly like his pictures. You cannot hold this against him unless he flat out lied about his appearance. He will have his nice features though; a nice butt, the way he crinkles his nose, the way he laughs, and above all else, the way he engages you. He will ask you about your feelings and maybe catch you off guard on something he asks you about yourself.

Ladies? Walls down please. This is NOT the time for pulling up the drawbridge. He needs to know you can talk to him when he talks to you. No secrets right from Day One. While you and he ultimately seek passion on the highest level, second and equally important is communication. If he asks you if you are lonely, this man is lonely also and is seeking your thoughts on the topic and you know that he thinks about feelings…a lot. This is a huge bonus. If he asks you what you are thinking right now, you have to tell him honestly what you are thinking. If it is about him, it will undoubtedly jive with him thinking about you. Don’t be afraid to ask him what he is thinking. If he says sex, then you’re in trouble. The best answer for both is how well this is going between the two of you and that you are intrigued. More than anything though, you have to remember you ARE a mature woman now. It is OK to allow your guard down and be much more involved in the meeting than you would have been on a date at 16 years old. People at our ages know what they are looking for. By virtue of the internet, you would not be together at this point unless many of the initial attraction items had not been covered already. Don’t put him through repeating the process all over again.

Lastly, and most importantly are two things. What you do from here will set a precedent for the romantic man going forward. It will immediately tell him where you stand even though it may not be your actual feelings. Let’s face it. The woman always manages to be in control with the romantic side of things. She needs to clear her schedule for him. She has to make decisions about being with him versus doing anything else. You absolutely MUST be accommodating. Let’s say you talk for a week and then meet on a Saturday night and it is magical beyond your expectations. If you then leave that magical situation and either of you say that you’d like to see each other the following weekend and you are not that far apart, it tells the other person they made an impact for tonight but my life will take over now and the first chance I have to squeeze you in again will be next weekend. You cannot cultivate a romantic relationship on a once a week basis. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. If this is your view, then you’re not in a position to give YOUR man his rightful place; your Prince Charming has not been allowed to get close enough to you. Remember, a woman always knows what she wants. Some men will always know and if it is YOU, you cannot be afraid. Your intuition will tell you if he is sincere or not.

The second thing, and what I will leave you with is this. It is OK to say, “I love you.” it is OK for him to say he loves you. It is OK for it to be faster than you might expect. It is complete garbage that society dictates those words are never spoken too quickly. If you feel it, it is OK to say it. Yes, you can fall for the love of your life quickly. It is OK. He can fall for you quickly. That is OK also. Your Prince Charming will not hesitate to say he loves you AND is in love with you. After all, this life is about making choices and it is YOUR choice to be in love, to find love, to find passion, and to find happiness. Allow yourself to be open to the prospects without fear of being hurt and you actually will find the romantic you’ve been looking for. And the two of you will…live happily ever after.

It’s time to believe again.

Posted on May 8, 2009, 4:52 pm

Too much information. I actually plowed all through it., though. Regarding how much time to get to know someone, I find that the older I get, the more time I want to get to know someone before I open up too far. I want to see his character, how he treats me, the service staff, little children, animals. I want to see if he shows up on time or makes me wait. I want to see if he can walk for 3 miles without falling over. Does he do what he says he will do? I want to see if he can plan and carry out a plan for the date....FIRST. Then we'll think about Prince Charming. Having seen waaaay too many "disappearing" men over the years, I have become cautious. I think it's my age....we don't want to be nurses or purses in our later years. You won't be hearing "I love you" from me until you show me your character, your health, your integrity. You can call me jaded, "too many walls built up", or whatever. I call me sensibly cautious. After I figure out you're worthy, Katie, bar the door!

Posted on July 29, 2009, 9:29 am

A lot of that sounds like male justification for being pigs, then blaming women for not being like that. And not wanting to tolerate it.
I am sick of this defense. Sometimes I feel a "need" to punch someone, steal something, literally run from a bad situation. It is IN me, I am HUMAN.
Does that mean I ever actually DO these things?
If he thinks like a douche and cheats/acts like a douche.. Guess what? The guy is a douche.
You can't blame a woman for that, or say that she isn't lovable for being reserved sexually. I have done it all and it was only when I made him wait and didn't act like a porn star that I was ever loved or respected..
Except that one taken guy, I didn't know, but he fell "in love" with me for being sexual. Guess where he is? Still living with his girlfriend. He's an idiot.

Edit: On even closer inspection, you are giving some dangerous advice that wont work at all!!.. I let men in my life, it makes things WORSE. I am TOO AVAILABLE. And since I have an open heart and no walls, I am just a FINISHED ACHIEVEMENT for them and they move on to someone more MYSTERIOUS.

And FYI the 1950's called and they want your opinions on the female sex drive back. I think about sex as much as any man and I want sex as much as he does.

Posted on October 21, 2009, 7:18 am

sorry its too long. try to summarise. i was interested but lost interest in the middle. but I can say that, knowing a man is driven by sex, does not meant hat all the sex he wants will make him hapy. I have always satisfied my man and wanted it almost more than he does! so it's not always the case. people have to be open and not generalise or assume everyone is the same!

Posted on November 2, 2009, 9:51 pm

I agree with Roses4MySoul. she had it right!! and so did a couple others. you cant just assume all women are exactly the same!!! we build up our walls because of men that just "disappear"...even those we fall in love with at first sight. even if they felt it too...they still leave. men don't know what they want just as much as many women. even at the age of 90!!! many men can be respectable...but you had it right for most men, all they want is sex!!! but guess what editor...WE CAN READ THAT!!! it doesnt have to be put on paper for us to know! and if we give it to them it's because either we just want it as bad as they do or we actually care for them and are giving them a piece of our heart! i may be only 19 years old but i am a very wise 19 year old and have learned alot either by experience or by listening to the stories of my elders and taking to heart what they had to say. and in my 19 years i have learned that men nor women will ever truely know what the other one will do, is thinking, or knows. and no one truely knows what the future holds or if they one they think is going to stay with them actually will. we are all different! sexuality has no say in our lives. we are all one of God! race, sex, age, whatever it doesnt matter to him and neither should the differences matter to any of us. so no matter what we shouldn't label thiings or try to figure everyone out and put them into categories because we are all individually different! go it??? and trust me i am not one of those girls who ever believed in fairy tales because i always knew they were wrong...then i found mr. right and guess what...he "disappeared" just like the rest!!!

Posted on November 4, 2009, 2:12 am

Fantasy145 great look on things! it touched on where im at in my life on more than one occassion. like with all men wanting to do is the bare minimum to get what they want, then thats it your used then left with an emptyness!!!